I hate it when someone gives you constructive criticism and they are dead on.
It's not the criticism that I hate, as I really appreciate it when people are honest with me. It's the fact that I've been aware for quite some time of the reason or "thing" that I'm being criticized about. I'm making this out to be much more than it is. In fact, I was more complimentary that criticism.
I just thought that no one else noticed this "thing." I'm terrible at being secretive and in most cases I'm completely transparent, except for this bullshit blog post. This is the vaguest thing I've ever written.
I went to the Comedy Spot for Jake Young’s last show before he moves up to NYC and inevitably the Moon. I said goodbye to Jake in my own special way. If the video from last night turns out well I'll post it here. That's RIGHT; I'm staring at you Hampton. (He'll never read this. Deep sigh.)
This past Sunday I cheered on Nancy Drew as she completed the Marine Corps Marathon. It was a inspiring experience but I still don't think I'll ever run a marathon. Here's a brain dump of the whole ordeal.
Marathons start really early. I'm not a morning person but I was responsible for getting Nancy Drew and our friend Danille to the starting area. We left at 6am and dropped the car at Pentagon City. Nothing interesting to report.
In order to accomodate all of the runners and the runners nerves, they put about 100+ port-o-pods in the Pentagon parking lot, which is great because it makes the entire places smell like bathroom chemicals and poop. FYI - before you run 26.2 miles, you really don't want to inhale that aroma.
I saw two people down by the metro tracks between Crystal City and the National Cemetry taking a dump. Just dropped running shorts, asses out in the air, not a care in the world as if this was the norm. Evidentally, if you have a marathon number or "bib" on your shirt, it gives you a license to do your business anywhere at any point during the race.
People will run in any clothing that they own. I saw an old guy with a Rip Van Winkle beard, a wife-beater undershirt, and a trash bag around his his waist. Please spent the $20 at Target to get some technical running gear. If you can't afford the $20, then how did you afford the $65+ entrance feed to even run the race? In the future, don't run the race and a cotton tshirt is not your friend (see below).
I saw someone with bloody nipples. I had heard rumors from Alaina but it wasn't until I was standing at the finish line, that I saw this marvel. This guy was crossing the finish line and it looked like he had a face crying blood on his chest. I was not prepared for this and now I'm unable to see it. This is why you don't run a marathon in a cotton tshirt.
Marathon runners come in all shapes and sizes. Kudos to anyone who runs the race. That being said, now I'm going to hate on people. I was in better shape than some people and that messed up. Nancy Drew trained for six months for this race and it STILL takes a lot out of you! Some people looked like when they were present with the option to either training for the event or eating McDonalds, they chose the Golden Arches each time. And yet, these Dollar-menu-aires showed up and ran the 'thon. I'm done hating and congratulations to everyone. If this is the event that you picked to kick start your weight loose program, good for you but did you not realize the severity of this event?
I'm really white. I forget that point a lot but after spending 8 hours outside I was reminded that I require sun screen. I did make use of my hoodie and covered myself but then I was self conscious that I looked like the uni-bomber. I'm a creep.
Finally, if you yawn loudly while watching people run, then you're worthless. Also, if you get a blister on your feet from standing all day while watching people run, then you're double worthless.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. It's an opportunity to act like someone else, be completely shameless in your actions, and then blame it all on your costume and/or the person who threw up in your ALF mask! Devil-be-damned, if that isn't the perfect recipe for fun, then I'm completely off my Great Pumpkin. I've been planning my costumes with my friend Josh for the past two years so, let's take a trip down memory lane and criticize my choices.
In '07 I had just moved into the area. Nancy Drew and I were invited to her co-workers Halloween party and I didn't have a costume. Josh (pictured below, in the center) had decided on a Mario Kart theme and had ordered an awesome Luigi costume off Amazon weeks in advance. Nancy Drew went out on the day of the party and assembled my rocking Mario costume from different party and clothing stores. (Sidebar: I loved my Mario costume so much that the following weekend I married Nancy Drew.)
That's me on the right. I weighted as much as two Italian plumbers. Fact!
The following year, Josh and I planned ahead and decided to go as Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber. We both bought our costumes off Amazon but from different manufactures. This was a mistake as Josh's costume was made from decent quality material and mine was made of felt. It was extremely tight and I'm extremely self conscious.
I'm sad because I'm uncomfortable.
I'm getting ready to plan this years costume so I did some (Ghost)recon at the Party City on route 7. I'm not going to reveal my winning pick just yet but I wanted to make unscrupulous comments about the costumes that I saw. These costumes are for the ladies, so LET'S GO!
Save your money on this $40 costume and just smoke crack right before you head out.
Note: This costume comes with a sense of entitlement (not pictured).
I have nothing negative to say about this costume. It is 100% awesome, KERMIE!
I also stopped at Target and found this adorable costume for baby! Yes, you too can be Anne Geddes in the comfort of your own (creepy) home. Fun fact: this costume is ironic because hot dogs are made from 4% infant. Too. Many. Comments. And all of them are low hanging fruit.
"We could be that American couple!" I wrote in an instant message to my wife. My friend Dave had just forwarded me a Myspace (I didn't realize that site still existed) bulletin from a college friend named Nita Chawla. Nita in a singer/songerwriter in Maryland who is in the process of making her first music video for her song "Fall Again."
Nancy Drew and I were fortunate enough to be the "American couple," which is a really nice way of calling us out for being white. Nita mentioned that a lot of her Indian friends noticed the semantics and intention word usage in her request and she got some flack for it. For about two seconds I was really hoping that we'd be in a Bollywood style music video.
We arrived Saturday evening at a mansion somewhere out in Potomac, MD, which we were notified ahead of time was not found on Google Maps. The guy couldn't have been that wealthy if his house isn't available on Google Maps. When I shop for a place to live, that's the first thing I ask, "Can people find my place on Google Maps? I don't want them to think that I'm inaccessible." All kidding aside, the owner of the house and the entire crew were all very welcoming as Nancy and I got ready for our portion of the shoot.
As we watched the crew shoot the last couple scenes and setup for our couples therapy couch, Nancy asked, "What are we doing?" I had no idea myself, so I just started making stuff up and Nancy played along for some very awkward and funny scenes.
Nancy Drew is on the left giving me the frigid tundra shoulder. It was that cold!
Saturday I auditioned for the Washington Improv Theater who was recruiting new members for the three house troupes, Caveat, JINX, and Season Six. All three are super lovely and super fun. (i.e. - go see them all NOW!) I had a lot of fun at the audition and a great time getting to meet all of the improvisers that seemed to pour out of the woodwork solely for the audition. I shouldn't continually be surprised that DC has a wealth of talented improvisers and moments like this serve as a joyous and constant reminder that I am continually uninformed.
After the audition I hung out with Joe Welkie, who was in my audition group. I haven't seen him in a few months since he's been busy and I've been lazy. A few other audition group members grazed outside with us, which provided constant humor for Joe and I. One person in particular was talking about how he was going to talk to a "cute girl" from our audition group, and left our conversation to go put in "his time with her." I use air quotes because bolding my words, just doesn't have the same effect. I just really like the idea of women having an imaginary threshold of time, where if you manage to run down the clock they'll reward you with stuff, and by stuff I mean awkward hand-holding and batted eyelashes.
Anywho, this guy puts in a lot of time with this girl and Joe and I started to provide our own private commentary on this. We decided this person should drop completely drop the pretense and ask the girl, "We fuckin' tonight?" If he was a little more cocksure (pun intended) in his approach he should change the question to a statement, "We fuckin' tonight." This way there is absolutely no doubt of what events will transpire later on.
The above phrase got stuck in my head for the entirety of Saturday. When Nancy Drew returned home on Sunday I repeated the phrase for her and the disapproving look I received promptly forced it out of my head. If it was a ND mystery book, it would be titled, "Nancy Drew and the mystery of why she married an asshole."
Another comment that occurred after the audition was as follows - "Oh that's Hobo Law. Ya know, sort of like, if you pull a knife out of someone, you better be ready to use it." I wish I remembered the context of this conversation, so I could further clarify how this natural disaster of a statement was made. I love the idea of Hobo's getting together and writing down stringent laws that will govern their Road Warrior society. Also, the mental picture of having to use a weapon that you pulled out of another person is just lovely. Sort of like the story Sword in the Stone, but instead we'll call it Switchblade in the Vagrant. You hear that Disney? Where my millions at?
If you have your own Hobo Law, please leave it as a comment.
I'm a voyeur. Plan and simple. I love going to public places, sitting down, and observing people. It can be as simple as waiting in line for coffee, sitting in the back of a Super Shuttle returning from Dulles airport, or the checkout line at a Harris Teeter grocery store. I don't know why I find the conversations of others so interesting. Maybe it's because I'm looking to make new and wildly interesting friends, and if I find that one moment in their conversation where I can interject with an anecdote (that casually mentions how great I am) , they'll be so happy to meet me that they'll carry me (crowd surfing style) and sing songs of praise.
I use a lot of tactics when I enter into the "Voyeur Zone" (song by Kenny Loggins). Sometimes I put on headphones and act like I'm listening to most to some awesome music song, when secretly there's no music (ssshhhh!). Sneaky, right? I bet you didn't see that one coming. Lately, I've been acting like I'm checking email/twitter/playing-Peggle on my phone with such intensity that THE FATE OF THE FREE WORLD hangs in the balance. Regardless of my methods there are occasions when these tactics backfire on me.
The (holla)backfire always comes when someone, we'll call them a voyeuree, decides that they want confirmation about a specific point that they're trying to make to another voyeuree. The following is the logic behind the voyeuree's inquiry, "Well, if I can't convince this other person of my point, I'll ask a stranger. Because involving a uninformed third party with no prior knowledge of our current conversation is infallible logic!" This (sort of) happened to me the other night.
I had just returned home and walked to the mail room to check and see what I had received yet another prized Coupon Clipper magazine (and also to see if my Netflix movie had arrived) when I passed by our young apartment building security guard talking to an even younger girl outside the elevator. I quickly noticed that he was A) indeed flirting with her, as evident by the fact that he was hovering over her like a creep, B) she was indeed flirting back because she was allowing herself to be hovered over and giggling madly at the fact that anyone would show her attention, C) I love using lists.
Snippets from the guy as I got my mail sounded like, "yo," "come on girl," and "you know." This guy was a pimp! Now with my mail in hand as a cover, I ventured back to the elevator, and wished with all my might that someone was moving into an apartment and would be occupying the elevator for a good 20 minutes so I could listen in and not seem like a creep myself. As I waited for the elevator the following conversation occurred:
Guy: "What? I keep them dry on purpose, you know."
Girl: "Really?"
Guy: "Yeah, because if I need to grab a hold of someone, I want them to know that I'm grabbing hold."
Girl: "Tehehehe."
Guy: -turns to Sean- "Yo, you know what I'm saying right? If someone grabbed a hold of you with soft hands, what would you think of them?"
I'm always amazed when I hear stupidity of this (.44) caliber but now you want confirmation from a 3rd party? I wish I had a phantom limb that only made inappropriate gestures at people with dry hands. My mouth wanted to (Mark) echo some reassurances to the guy but honestly I had nothing.
This is the BEFORE picture from all Burt's Bees advertisements.
I think I said something like "Oh my, I know exactly what you're talking about. Nothing impresses the ladies like some calloused, scared, and mangled paws." In reality I just nodded and agreed with the guy so he could continue flirting and I could get on the elevator in peace.
After this recent backfire I'm giving heavy consideration to hanging up my voyeuristic ways . Anyway, here are some cute dogs. The small one is named Buddy and he's my favorite.
Recent personal music choices have had a weird interwoven fiber like scenes from a Tarantino movie, but with positive results. I recently started watching the show Weeds and during the first episode of the second season, there is a moment when the lead character has a WTF moment. During this moment a song is heard very subtly in the background. The words eventually become very clear and you hear the following lyrics being sung, "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Perfect timing!
It was a line that was impossible to resist. I immediately discovered that it was from singer/song writer Jenny Owen Youngs. (her initials are JOY) I quickly downloaded her two albums and an EP, which I've been enjoying nonstop. Last month, I was able to see her at IOTA in Clarendon, thanks to a bday gift from the wife, Nancy Drew. The show was crazy good!
I'm enjoying my new streamlined face, after she rocked my current face clean off!
A few weeks before seeing JOY, I was at IOTA to see my friend Matt Hemerlein. After Matt a performer named Bess Rogers rocked the stage with a ukulele. Her set covered such topics as Mtv's the State, Bulldozers, and a countrified 80's cover song. Nancy Drew and I both quickly downloaded her EP separately, since we do a poor job of coordinating our digital download efforts. It's six songs of awesome and Nancy and I have been having Bess Rogers sing-alongs on long car rides. (separate cars and separate sing-alongs, since we do a poor job of coordinating travel)
I think referring to it as an UKE sounds tough!
As it turns out, both Bess Rogers and Jenny Owen Youngs are in a band together called "The Flux Capacitor." The band takes hits from the 80's and makes country versions! Circle completed. Now I need more new and awesome music! I'm open to suggestions.
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