Win Some, Lose Some

Similarities

2011-04-21T16:25:00.000-04:00

I just realized that things with me haven't changed in 15+ years!

Still carrying a lunch bag,
I used to wear a lanyard while working summer jobs and I'm still wearing one,
I'm still told what to do, I recognize that it's happening, and I have no motivation to be a decision maker because it seems trivial to me,
Other people still dictate what I wear everyday (I just want to wear jeans and a t-shirt),
I traded report cards for an annual assessment,
I still own a backpack and carry it everywhere,
At least once a day the dream of being a paleontologist or a puppy still crosses my mind. Seriously, digging up bones seems awesome and being a dog would RULE!

Ultimately, I'm still a really positive person!

Maybe honesty isn't the best policy

2011-02-23T13:41:00.004-05:00

Last night, I desperately blurted my frustrations from the past two weeks to an unsuspecting friend in my car. (ahem, Archie) My New Years resolution was to be very honest with everyone around me and despite airing grievances publicly, it hasn't helped me feel any better. I'm still incredibly resentful towards people lately. There was a moment around 13th and Pennsylvania where I could feel my bottom lip pressed under my front two teeth, just primed to unleash the words "Fuck it!" As I finished my rant I found myself very emotional to the point where my heart was racing and I was about to cry.

Today, this is all beginning to seem very funny to me. I'm not outwardly laughing at myself just yet but I have managed to produce a pencil thin satisfied smirk. It's my way to recognizing how ridiculous this is and that, on occasion, I'm a distorted, needy, and egotistical prick. I feel like Judith Viorst is going to comically write me into a sequel for "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Boo hoo! I'm excited that maybe I'll be asked to be a monologist for The Vagina Monologues, since I obviously don't have a dick. It's so pathetic that it's now funny to me.

Usually I let things affect me for only 24 hours and then I force myself to drop it. This recent daisy-chain of bullshit hasn't afforded me the time that I need to stop being a bitch and drop everything. Now I'm honestly wondering, "just how bitchy can I get?"

My current theme song: Broken Social Scene's Anthems for a Seventeen-year old girl

I should stop complaining and just have my period already.

NC or Bust (a move)

2011-02-17T13:57:00.003-05:00

This weekend I'm heading down to the Tar Heel state of North Carolina for some chuckles and makem-ups. Maybe it's partially the steroids talking but I'm extremely excited. We're performing Saturday night at 7pm along with troupes; The Arsenal (a two person zombie show, that's right Dave!), Underage Sugar Addicts (who's acronym is very patriotic), and Ay Diego! (since they're from Mass, I'm sure they'll be wicked awesome)!

I'm pumped but that's 100% the steroids talking. Check out our Tumblr account for updates during the weekend! http://dmgimprov.tumblr.com/

You'd better bring birth control!

Secret wishes

2011-02-14T15:03:00.000-05:00

I know a lot of people talk about deleting their presence on different social media sites. "Oh man, I'm just gonna delete my Facebook account one of these days." "They keep messing with the security on these sites and that's it, I'm out."

I have secret dreams and wishes of not JUST deleting my social media sites but also my email addresses!

"How will people contact you?" - question from a person I already hate.

They'll pick up a phone and call me. I'll get an immediate answer and then move on with my life.

"But that's crazy!" - declaration from another idiot.

I wish I could also remove SMS from my phone. Yes, I'm wearing my old man pants today. And I'm about to go out on my screened porch, sit in a comfortable deck chair, with a pitcher of lemonade, and whittle a stick into a smaller stick.

CUUUUUURTIS

2011-02-02T18:15:00.000-05:00

My friend Curtis Raye is a good sport. We really give him a lot of shit but he just rolls with the jokes and is deadly funny in his own right. This happened last week at Harold night. Just so you know, I was so happy with this that the next day, whenever I thought about the show, I smiled and laughed.

Cuuuurtis - Harold Night - January 25 from Washington Improv Theater on Vimeo.

Thanks to Joe Uchno, Jenny Huftalen, Matt Winterhalter, Archie Cubarrubia and of course, CUUUUUURTIS! You guys and gal are the best.

DMG @ WIT's Harold night

2011-02-02T18:03:00.001-05:00

DMG - Harold Night - February 1 from Washington Improv Theater on Vimeo.

Yup! A rape-y Jake Ryan you say? Make it happen.

Absolutely NOT = Op. 2 in WTF

2011-02-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

I'm sure it's fucking adorable when you go to a Dave and Busters, have photos taken with your significant other, and then a computer chirps and clunks out a photo of your potential baby. Some babies are cute, but not all of them. While I don't have a high opinion of babies at the moment, the cute ones do end up as Gerber or Huggies models.

I really wish FB would stop with these advertisements. I log in to make sure everyone in my 'sphere' is wasting the same amount of time as I am at work, not to make a fat faced love child with someone.

My other problem is that I feel we, as a society, are just one step away from having advertisements that say, "Babies get discounts when they sign up at Gold's Gym." It's wordy but I'm not a copywriter. You get the point. I don't want to go to the gym and have to wait for a treadmill because some six month old is monopolizing the equipment! At six months, he's definitely not going to be able to read the "Please limit yourself to 30 minutes on all cardio equipment" sign.

And yes, I wrote myself an email about this last January 25, 2010 because I had nothing better to do at the time.

Reasons to spend all day on WebMD

2011-02-02T12:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't had a drop of alcohol in several days, so why do I feel drunk today. Does the lack of sleep really produce a 'hangover' like state? My brain is muddled, I'm unfocused, and my body is behaving like I drank last night. Oh, did I mention that I'm incredibly hydrated because I've been running a lot lately! No excuses here!

I've got all the 'party favors' without having to participate in the festivities. This is upsetting and making me feel unbelievably old.

The reason I hate (some) advertisements - Op. 1 in F(u)#

2011-01-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

One of the first books that I remember reading was John Bellairs's "The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt." It was classified as a "gothic horror" story that's title served to foreshadow all of the main artifacts in the book. The grandmother of the main protagonist, Johnny Dixon, becomes ill with a brain tumor and yet the dark undertones of this story never registered with me. I related more with the sensitive side of Johnny and his desire to help his alleviate his families financial burden by receiving the prize money for solving the riddle of a dead and eccentric cereal tycoon. A prize worth $10,000, which is exactly how much brain tumor removal costs.

I know, I know, it's an incredibly far fetched plot but that's what made it fun. Investing in the characters of the book, enjoying their journey, figuring out the end, and yelling the solution to the riddle at the book as if Johnny might actually hear my childish bellows. I imagined myself as a faithful observer and trusted friend to Johnny, within the pages of the book. Five years ago, I re-read the book with a new appreciation and my imagination didn't disappointed me, although I pissed off my roommate when I screamed the solution to the riddle.

And then this bullshit comes along...

It's a "personalized vampire romance novel....where you are the star." Why not? Vampires are gothic and dark, just like brain tumors. The tag line is "your love is as immortal as he is." Sure! You are (totes) 14 and have a wealth of experience with love. You're probably the foremost authority of the topic, especially love with a vampire. A dead vampire that is super hot and sexy! What an undead heart throb, except that his heart can't throb, or beat, or pitter-patter when you walk into the room because he's a corpse.

Also, I hate the word immortal because it's often-confused-and-needs-to-be-bundled-with-the-word; invincible. If you kill something that is immortal with a wooden stake, even a vampire, it is still dead. That's how verbs work.

First Bite? Instead of including my name in the book, how about allowing me to pick the title instead? Something slightly more descriptive with a more moronic vampire cliche, such as "An effeminate and androgynous love story about the coupling of the living and the dead that SUCKS!" Get it? It works on two levels. Insert a groan and an eye-roll here.

I feel like the audience for this book is the Twilight series, Jersey Shore, and MTVs Teen Mom demographic, "obvi!" Are they really so desperate to be included in something, anything, that they need to be written into their very own vampire romance story? (I refuse to use the word novel to reference garbage.) Whatever happened to using your imagination?

Making fun of the copywriting and adverting is easy but it misses the real point. The problem is the level of self obsession necessary to include yourself in a story. I used to get really excited when I watched a movie or read a book and shared a name with a character. In fact, I remember my friend Gavin getting pumped over the movie "Disturbing Behavior" because he shared the same first name with a main character. "That never happens dude!" said Gavin. Yes, Gavin, you have a rarely used Hollywood name.

The idea of including your name is a fun novelty. But that's it, it's not literature. There is little to no imagination involved. Being ego-centric might be sarcastically funny at first but it's off putting and being narcissistic is a terrible way to start a relationship. But who am I kidding? I'm not a 14 year old, and therefore not an authority of the "book of love."

Also - I think my friend Archie is the owner of TeenBookByYou.com? At least, it wouldn't surprise me.

And yes, I wrote myself an email about this last March 5, 2010 because I was outraged at an advertisement.

MyBrain *brain = [[MyBrain alloc] init];

2011-01-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

I recently sifted through several emails that I wrote myself last year. Yes, emails that I wrote to myself because evidently my brain knows that I can't be trusted to ACTUALLY remember anything. I feel that there are dog-eared folds in my pink and gray hippocampus that point directly to emails that I wrote to myself in 2010.

I use the term "wrote" lightly. An accurate description would be "scrawled" or "haphazardly managed to slap my over-sized hands on a keyboard in a pleasing manner while frothing at the mouth." I'm holding steadfast to the belief that my brain intended me to "get the gist of it" of this digital opus should they ever be recovered from my cluttered inbox.

The following posts are the "gist" of each email...

Season Six at the Del Close Marathon

2010-09-27T10:48:00.001-04:00

I attended my first Del Close Marathon at the end of July. It was an incredible experience and one highlight was getting to see my friends in Season Six perform on Friday night.

I'm a huge fan of their opener and it creates a wonderful stage picture.

I never realized how pouty Ben Wilman can look until now.

Murphy McHugh and Tara Maher: two classy people, classing up the joint.

For a couples seconds I thought Cara Hayes had a calf tattoo until I realized that she's dog-piled on top of David Sewell. Cara definitely looks like she's contemplating a tattoo. Maybe a dragon tat?

Cotswolds

2010-09-27T09:34:00.000-04:00

On the way to Bath, England, we stopped in the Cotswolds. It's a bit off the beaten path and is comprised of small stone houses from when cotton was king before the Industrial Revolution. It's simple, quite, and beautiful.

Honestly, we spent about 25 minutes in the Cotswolds but we walked around a church that was near the center of town.

I love the contrast of a patinaed donation slot and a newly posted small placard.

Blank in a Blank

2010-09-17T14:55:00.001-04:00

The other day I walked past the maternity store "A Pea in the Pod." I've walked this store several times before but until yesterday the store's title never prompted me to ask the question, "doesn't a pod usually have more than one pea?" What happened to the plural form of pea? Are they suggesting that the other peas where absorbed by the one pea that survived? Sort of like a Highlander pea, where there can be only one!

A pod that yields a single pea would be unhealthy and/or the result of poor agricultural efforts, right? If you're having twins, you should brag about it because that's probably all you have going for yourself. Also, the usage an indefinite article in the title really freaks me out because they really mean there's only one pea.

Suggested names for misleading maternity stores:

Chip in a Bag,
Kernel in an Ear of Corn
Bean in a Can,
Slice in a Loaf,
Dream in a Chokehold.

FYI - I'm super kid friendly. Suggest your own, you lazy reader!

The Lake District

2010-09-13T10:50:00.000-04:00

The Lake District, or The Lakes, is in northern England near Scotland. I was told that it's a popular vacation destination for British people within the country. Imagine a town completely made up of hiking stores, restaurants, and bed & breakfasts. That's pretty much the entire Lake District. Cozy and sleepy.

Nancy Drew and I set out on a hike and found that the trail went through someones farm. We didn't see a single farmer the entire time. I felt gypped because the point of a vacation is to observe others performing regular work tasks so I can comment on how similar we are despite being separated by an ocean. Thanks for not giving me the opportunity to be insightful England!

"Sean like pretty!" spoken in the voice of the Incredible Hulk.

"If you continuing hiking, it's going to rain," said the sheep. My response, "sounds like a baaaaaaah-d idea." I was not welcomed back to this farm.

I took this picture from inside my jacket because it was raining like crazy! The sheep was right. We should have hiked faster in order to B-L-EAT the rain. I'm sorry. No more bad sheep jokes.

This is the British version of Jenga. I told them we had a table top version that could be played indoors. I was laughed at and not welcomed back to this park.

Guinness Storeroom

2010-09-13T10:12:00.003-04:00

The Guinness Storeroom was the main reason I wanted to go to Ireland. It was pretty much the one place that I was picked to go on the trip. And guess what: it was totally worth it. I loved Ireland from the moment I got off the plane and was whisked through customs. The temperature was mild and it was a "shorts and sweater" kinda day, which is my favorite. When you begin the Guinness Storeroom tour, you walk under a huge wooden barrel. It was like staring up into a drunken heaven.

Inspirational words to live by my friends. Accept past traditions and embrace the scientific future.

The above arrow is pointing directly at my open mouth. The camera failed to capture that important detail.

I just really like the above shot. It looks like an alien beer spaceship to me.

Guinness used to be stored (and probably still is) in barrels. There is an entire part of the tour where they show you what's involved in making a barrel. The process involves a guy with a mallet, pounding wood into an iron hoop, and then using a machete to carefully create the two lids. It's time consuming and intense because these guys made every measurement by LOOKING at the wood! No machines and nothing to help them. The manly side of me is now obsessed with making a barrel. That side of me might also be a lumberjack.

The entire tour ended with a demonstration on how to pour the perfect pint of Guinness. Guess who has a certificate? That's right. They may give these certificates out to everyone but mine was the best pour they've ever seen. Just saying.

Cambridge

2010-09-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

What's the whitest thing possible to do in England? Rent bikes and ride around Cambridge, that's WHAT! And that's exactly what Nancy Drew and I did. Walking around other universities makes me realize that I should have broadened my collegiate search. I love Pittsburgh but the above shot is a residence hall in Cambridge at the King's College. I could have lived there had I been more ambitious. Oh and probably more of a scholar.

This is an activity called "punting." You use the giant pole to guide your boat. You can do it yourself like the person above that is failing miserably OR you can hire a "punter" who will give you a tour and guide your boat. I picked the latter option since it's just one way that I can begin to show everyone that I'm on my way to being DOLPHIN RICH! I make it "rain" on Cambridge! People still say that, right?

Cambridge is all about small details. They don't need to brag about their accomplishments, which in my opinion is both awesome and a jerk move. I love to hate you Cambridge.

Again, this is a residence hall. Freshmen year, my room was shaped like a slice of pie! These people get (Michael) bay windows and in case of a fire, they can jump to safety. Such a well thought out plan Cambridge. That's why you're made up of 31 different colleges, over 150 departments, and had people figure out DNA on your campus. All the while, I lived in a room shaped like PIE! NOT PI, but PIE.

London

2010-09-03T10:10:00.000-04:00

Must. Not. Antagonize. Honestly, the urge to mess with street performers is incredibly difficult to stifle. I'm just a really annoying person.

You can't ask me to remember the name of every architectural wonder that I photograph! Honestly. It looked religious and had women with babies. You figure it out. I'm not a tour guide.

Again? You really can't ask me to remember EVERYTHING from this trip. Every corner has a new and unique building. They're all ancient and ornate. I can't remember them all. Geez Louise!

I took a picture of this clock to denote what time everything in London closes. Yup. Pretty early, huh? I'll keep harping on this point until they begin keeping pubs open later. I'm already working on the legislation as we speak.

My brain actually said, "Look! Pretty colors." At my core, I'm a simpleton who enjoys dramatic lighting.

Someone lives here but I honestly can't remember. Poop! It's on the tip of my tongue. I'll just guess and say Sean Connery lives here. It's a pretty baller place. I'm sure he's still just surfing through life on his 007 money. Honestly, Sean Connery is epitome of DOLPHIN RICH. I have so much to learn from him.

Leeds Castle - part 2

2010-08-30T17:06:00.001-04:00

Henry VIII is a baller! How much of a baller, you ask? Such a baller that he could afford to eat porpoise! I CANNOT wait until I'm DOLPHIN RICH, y'all!

I'm pretty sure this is where The Tudors is filmed. The entire show was filmed in this one room. Honest.

A whole book on British dogs? YES, PLEASE! I really need to buy a dog so I stop fawning over dogs that I see on the street. Seriously, I show off pictures of friends dogs like they're my own. I'm one step shy of getting all "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" on Archie's dog.

I get it! They had a lot of books. So would you if the only things to do were consume yourself with literature or fight battles. It was part of their "Read or Bleed" campaign. It wasn't very successful.

If you tell me that you don't want a moat around your house, condo, apartment, then I know you're lying. Whenever I visit friends I live by the following motto: I want to ferry from the shore to your front door!

FACT: If you do a Jack Torrance impression through a hedge maze, it's ONLY funny for those who have seen the movie The Shining.

Just when I couldn't love Leeds Castle anymore, undernearth the hedge maze is a grotto. A grotto! The guardian of the grotto is Olmec from the tv show "Legends of the Hidden Temple." I also had to assemble a silver monkey.

Across from Olmec was his very attractive "lady friend." They're not an item. Just really close. Proximity wise. The lighting in the grotto area was amazing and each wall was uniquely beautiful.

"He's in the wrong line of work," is probably what you're saying after looking at this picture. Nay, kind person with words of encouragement. I'm just a humble person that got really lucky and extremely close to an angry peacock.

Leeds Castle - part 1

2010-08-30T10:17:00.001-04:00

One morning, Nancy Drew decided she really wanted to go to Leeds Castle. I had never been to a castle before so I was happy to embark on an adventure. We braved public transit from Sittingborne and found ourselves catching a train to Maidstone, which is near where the wedding was held.

Fun fact: This is the Maidstone train station. If you show up here at 1AM and ask a stranger for directions, he'll most likely point you in the wrong direction causing you to walk a half mile into a small town, with your luggage in tow, before deciding that you should have taken a taxi in the first place. Of course, this is completely a hypothetical scenario.

We finally made it to Leeds Castle and this was the first thing we saw. Totally worth it! An albino peacock. Say WHAT?

I really love living in an urban area but every once in a while I fall in love with the open country. Especially, when there are castles on the horizon.

Oh well, hello there my friend! Thank you for lining up for the perfect mug-shot. BUSTED!

This is the front of Leeds Castle. It dates back to 1119 AD and people lived here until 1974! If I win the lottery, this is what I'm going to buy. Seriously.

For some reason this reminded me of a level from a video game. Unfortunately, I can't remember the video game, so I'll just default and say Super Mario Bros. or Legend of Zelda.

Even something as beautiful as a castle can be completely ruined by a 9th grade German field trip. I had to wait about 20 minutes for this picture. Totally worth it but now I don't like Germany and children. That's a lie; I've never liked children or Germans.

Sainsbury

2010-08-27T13:15:00.003-04:00

FACT: I love food and cultural differences. So, I spent an hour walking around the English grocery store called Sainsbury's. One major difference is that they proudly brand all English grown produce, meats, and other foods with huge signs that say "Made in England." Personally, I wish we'd do this more state-side so that I could stop buying so many foreign goods and support domestic business. ARE YOU LISTENING AMERICA? Do it!

The shape of milk cartons is different because British refrigerators are shaped differently. Way to be accommodating!

It really gets those dishes clean. No homo.

We typically call it "shell" pasta but I prefer their naming convention.

SCORE! A Pittsburgh export. I was really excited to see Heinz even though I'm not a huge fan of ketchup.

WTF! Salad cream? It's a mayo based salad dressing. Pretty gross.

Meet the equivalent of the Gordon's Fisherman spokesperson: David Beckham!

Lay's Potato Chips are called Walkers Crisps! They come in crazy flavors like Yorkshire Pudding, BBQ Kangaroo, and Haggis! All of them are delicious.

I took this picture for Ms. Tara Maher. I know she loves cute food and these ice cream cones are divine.

I MOST CERTAINLY HOPE SO!

2010-08-23T17:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks but no thanks Facebook ads. How about starting off with a prerequisite question like, "Are you Jewish?"

Sittingborne

2010-08-18T14:33:00.001-04:00

England is known for slightly suggestive street signs. I should have chronicled this phenomenon more thoroughly but I was too busy giggling. Yup, I'm officially 12 years old.

Sittingborne is a small town in south-east England. Small towns have what is called a "High Street" where a majority of the small businesses are located. Small businesses means no pesky Best Buys, Borders, or Gaps. Instead there was a butcher's shop, small fruit market, a single movie theater, and a smattering of other essential and quaint stores. Can you imagine having everything you need within walking distance? What a great idea.

This is a super polite way of saying, "pick up your animals poop, jerk!"

Clive and Lorraine

2010-08-18T13:59:00.001-04:00

The wedding for Clive and Lorraine, at the Orangery, was great and the highlight of the entire trip! Above is the happy couple celebrating in the garden area. As soon as the ceremony ended, we were greeted by trays of Pimm's cups (an English liqueur mixed with mint, and assorted fruit), which was delicious! I should have over indulged because the British don't understand the concept of an "open-bar." I noted this cultural difference later at an AA meeting.

It's Uncle Allen giving the toast! The wedding was on the 4th of July, I'm American, and in England. Guess what? They remember that back in the day we found fought a tiny little war for our independence. There was no way to escape random historical quips and Uncle Allen ended his toast say screaming, "what now 'Mericans?" and drop the microphone like Chris Rock. A ballsy move but I applauded it.

FACT: there is a British tradition where women wear crazy hats to weddings. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it, marvel at the ability of these ladies to match teal and hues of pink, and then move on with your life. You'll be a better person if you don't dwell on this concept for an extended amount of time.

I have no idea who these people are but I was reading a photography book that said you can NEVER go wrong with photographing older people and young kids. NAILED IT!

You guessed it! Artsy fartsy.

The Orangery

2010-08-16T12:44:00.000-04:00

The highlight of our trip was getting to see some of Nancy Drew's family in England. We attended a family wedding in south-eastern England. The wedding was beautiful and at an Orangery, which provided some incredible scenery.

I feel like this was an alternate cover for the novel "The Secret Garden."

So lonely and yet so beautiful. The water was incredibly still and provided a great reflection.

I spent about an hour walking around and taking pictures of the scenery. It was so quiet and serene.

It's like "The Secret Garden PART 2: The Quickening!"

Victoria Station

2010-08-16T11:38:00.000-04:00

Nancy Drew and I traveled from San Fran to NYC, NYC to Heathrow, then a train and taxi to end up at Victoria Station. Total travel time: a million hours! I slept the entire time.

Uh oh! Looks like someone figured out how to play around with the shutter settings on their camera! Or maybe Victoria Station is haunted by commuters.

Seriously, we've been waiting here for a while, I'm tired again, and ready to sleep. I should have just kept a sleep journal on this trip. I'm so lazy.

San Francisco

2010-08-13T11:31:00.000-04:00

This is the view from Matt's apartment. It's pretty sick to think that he sees this everyday and is probably bored with this vista. I get the same feeling everytime I see the Washington Monument. Yawn city!

After I took this picture, we went skateboarding down this entire hill. Tony Hawk was at the end and gave me a high five. True story!

I love love LOVE the colors of the houses in San Fran. Sea foam green next to canary yellow? Perfect. You understand me San Fran. <3's

Arty fartsy perspective shot where I managed to get two different plains in focus at the same time. I think I'm ready for a career change too. Thanks for asking!

I grabbed this shot walking through the LucasArts campus. I've got nothing except that this place is pristine, incredibly green, and right next to a dispensary.

"Take pictures, you will." I know Yoda, like 30GB's of them! I'm an annoying tourist and I haven't even left the USA yet.

Gavin and Stacy

2010-08-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

This is the result of me holding my camera above my head and randomly snapping a picture. Aside from the mop of Betty White hair infront of Ben, I'm pretty proud that I got a candid of Gavin, Joe, and thoughtful Jason. On the off chance that Gavin reads this and then sends me an email saying, "Dood, can I get these pictures?" Just right click and save it to your desktop, you luddite.

This is Craig. Craig, in my opinion, is super famous. Despite working in film, Craig is not a fan of having his picture taken so I feel like it was a miracle that I got this picture. When I take Elizabeth Reid's portrait painting class, this is the picture that I plan to immortalize. You hear that Bauer! IMMORTALIZE like Christopher Lambert in Highlander.

Here's the happy couple but not THE Happy Couple. That's something sort of related but completely different. I hope Joe and Katye see that I just plugged their business because they're the best. You're welcome!

Here's an artsy fatsy shot that I took outside of the reception area or as Murph would call it, "looks like someone just bought a new camera." Sure!

Sacramento

2010-08-12T14:34:00.001-04:00

Downtown Sacramento has a tropical feel to it but only when you look up toward the sky. I certainly do enjoy the west coast!

This is where the Governator lives! Insert your favorite Arnold quote here! My favorite? Well, it's "I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." That's from real life, yo!

Behind there capitol building there are several memories, a garden, and a ton of orange trees. It's gorgeous and very well maintained. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea why the state of California is broke.

Sadly, with all of our technology we're still unable to give statues eyeballs. Or maybe this is a memorial for zombie soldiers. I should have paid more attention to the plaque but it was TL;DR.

If I had to be homeless, I would choose to be homeless in Sacramento. I mean, free oranges? HELLO! I'd be the most vitamin enriched hobo ever.

Highlights (Magazine)

2010-08-12T13:50:00.000-04:00

To say that a lot happened to me in July 2010 is an understatement. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt so fortunate, enlightened, and frustrated all at the same time. This buffet of experiences and life lessons would be best described as an emotional Thanksgiving dinner. Now that I’ve returned to a semi-normal schedule I’ve begun to unbuckle my metaphorical pants and let this gut of “life experiences” hang so far forward that I’m unable to see my toes. As I begin to look down at my flabby center and reflect on the past six week it’s sadly beginning to feel like a distance memory. Almost as if it didn’t happen or I’m going to wake up at any moment and find Patrick Duffy in my shower.

Highlights:
1. Flew to Sacramento for my friend’s wedding and got to see a lot of my friends from high school.

2. Spent two weeks in England and one day in Dublin, Ireland with Nancy Drew.

3. Celebrated my 30th birthday by performing for the first time on stage with Caveat!

4. Went to the 12th annual Del Close Marathon in NYC and hung out with Brad.

5. Traveled to Tampa for work and realized the phrase “traveling for business” should be more appropriately defined as “working somewhere else for little to no enjoyment.”

6. Performed in a couple shows for DC’s own WIT Improvapolooza.

7. Grew a shitty looking beard that I finally shaved off today.

I want to tell you all the trivial details about each of the above but I’ve decided not to elaborate anything. Instead I’m going to post pictures and small notes with the hopes that they’ll convey the emotions that I would typically attempt to describe in overly dense writing. So, allow me to ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender because this “food baby” of memories is first headed to Sacramento!

Boys Boys Boys

2010-06-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

The following is the result of a late night photo shoot with friends Kat Davis and Sarah Donnelly for their two woman improvised show called Boys Boys Boys.

From Boys Boys Boys

Like clockwork

2010-06-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Archie!

Reading, PA

2010-06-09T11:21:00.000-04:00

I took a trip up to Pennsylvania on Saturday to attend the Reading Airshow. This was my third trip to the show but my first with a nice new camera. Here are a couple pictures that I felt justified the purchase of a new D5000.

How I manage to constantly piss off William Ellis

2010-06-07T15:16:00.000-04:00

My dad is the “baby crazy” parent in my family. I can’t talk to him without him asking when he should expect to be a grandfather as if the baby is stuck in traffic and he wants an ETA. This past Saturday he asked me whether or not Nancy Drew and I were expecting a “miracle” anytime soon. I’m unsure whether it was out of spite or not, but the use of the word “miracle” really sparked a heated debate between father and son.

I consider a miracle to be something that happens infrequently and/or is unexplainable. Most miracles are typically synonymous with religious events, such as the story of Moses parting the Red Sea. You know why that was a miracle? Because Charlton Heston only did it once and he did such an amazing job that a sequel was out of the question! Otherwise, the following conversation would have ensued:

Hebrew no longer in Exodus: Hey Moses, parting the Red Sea again?

Heston (as Moses): Yup. It’s what I do every day, all day.

Hebrew no longer in Exodus: You really need to get a new shtick friend.

Heston: I’m working on it and since the mid 90’s I do mostly narration work.

Hebrew no longer in Exodus: I still can’t believe you were in Wayne’s World 2!

If a miracle happened frequently then it would diminish the majesty of when such an event would occur, right? Between 2007 and 2008, 4.2 million babies were born in the US. Thanks to modern science, the birthing process isn’t unexplainable; in fact it’s pretty well documented and explained in GREAT detail by an uncomfortable public school gym teacher during a 7th grade health class. Maybe it was a miracle back in the 1800’s when they still considered bloodletting a common medical practice, but no longer since there is an entire branch of medicine dedicated to the care an unborn infants. If anything happened 4.2 million times in a year, I would call it a “sure shot” or a “safe bet.”

I looked up the definition of miracle on Wikipedia (because I'm lazy) and found that they define it as “an act defying the laws of nature.” But Wiki also goes further to explain that a casual usage can include a “wonderful occurrence” like childbirth. Bullshit. Pick a definition Wiki! Either it spits in the eye of God or it’s something that happens every day. If it happens every day then pick a new word with a more appropriate definition. By the casual definition, it’s a miracle that I get out of bed every morning instead of just sleeping until the next major event in my life (which is probably a baby!). See how my stupid (cry-for-help-self-deprecating) example makes it sound trite?

I’m honestly fine if people choose to use the casual definition and by extension I want to claim that the following picture I took on Saturday night is a miracle.

"Nobody wants to be my friend." Deep sigh.

Here's some additional context regarding the above picture. Saturday night in DC. A bachelorette party heads to Town DC for the weekly Drag Queen Show and pina coladas. The bachelorette gets drunk, sick, and then argues with her friends outside the club. She decides to slump down on the sidewalk, under a street light, in a manner that suggests she's given up all hope. I show up, capture the moment, and consider it a miracle. In absolutely no way shape or form is this possibly a worn out or hackneyed use of the word miracle by the casual definition.

My entire process of judging people summed up in an interaction at the bar

2010-06-03T11:50:00.001-04:00

I’m fickle when it comes to new people in my life. If someone fails to meet my ridiculous, non-communicated, and ever changing criteria, then I might secretly hate that person forever. Additionally, let’s say a close friends feels slighted by another person and begins to seethe with anger. I will immediately jump on the Hate Bandwagon with my friend and begin to seethe. It’s stupid, irrational, and my opinion of the person may flip flop in a matter of seconds but it’s how I deal with new interactions in my life. So I found it personally interesting that this entire process was so accurately captured in an interaction at a bar between my table of friends and our waitress.

Break down of the evening in minute and my mood:

0 to 10 mins – Sat down and was barely acknowledge by the waitress (unhappy)

10 to 14 mins – Waitress comes over and explains to us it’s been a crazy night so far. Waitress then walks away from our table like it’s a big deal and I swear she did a Chaplin foot shuffle in the most exaggerated way possible. (I could care less. My patience is super thin right now.)

15 min – We order drinks, food, and a basket of popcorn. (Maybe it was a fluke, right? Still slightly annoyed)

15 to 18 mins – Finally get our drinks which are just simply pitchers. Nothing fancy or complicated. Beer in buckets. (Annoyed again)

18 to 25 mins – Still no sign of our popcorn. I can see the popcorn machine behind the bar. All they need to do is scoop it until a basket and bring it to the table. (Angry)

26 – 35 mins – Waitress comes back to explain that there is very little to NO popcorn left in the machine. (Very angry and I don’t even really like popcorn that much. Begin table diatribe about how much we hate this woman and the ‘oh so’ difficult process involved in making popcorn. We’re very loud.)

35 – 40 mins – Food arrives and waitress tells us that since there wasn’t a lot of popcorn left she’s not going to charge us for our basket. (Suspicious at that point but still angry.)

40 – 45 mins – Eating and then waitress stops by to tell us that all of the other tables have left and we now have her undivided attention. (Where was this service 45 mins ago? We don’t care. Leave us alone.)

46 mins – Waitress stops by to thank us for being an easy table and gives us a free order of French Fries! (What? She’s so nice! What a wonderful person. My love can be bought.)

55 mins – Waitress stops by and offers to buy us FREE SHOTS! (I’m SOOOO coming back here next week! I love this place and I love this Waitress. Seriously, she’s the best Waitress ever.)

60 mins – We leave with a renewed sense of life! (I love this place! I’ll come back every night of the week.)

There you have it. The above is my slightly exaggerated thought process out in the wild.

Additional Case Study:
I met two people this past Saturday night that we’ll call Banana and Kazoo, who joined a group of my college friends at a bar. Banana was incredibly nice and engaging. Banana kept up with the conversation and was naturally funny. I appreciate that because you never want to feel like you have to entertain somebody or baby sit a new person. Banana was pleasant, interesting, and quickly found common ground. Talking to Kazoo was like pulling out my own teeth. It’s like Kazoo intentionally looked for the most boring thing in every sentence and then wanted to further discuss the boring nature of being boring. Kazoo needed to shut up but he didn’t the entire night. At one point I just walked away from Kazoo because I was tired to putting up a front. I felt bad because Banana stayed behind to talk to Kazoo. I still don’t like Kazoo. Banana is A-OK in my book.

Realistic job questionnaire

2010-05-20T10:48:00.001-04:00

1. Can you look busy for 8 hours a day? - This is essential because most businesses are completely perception based. It doesn't matter what you do or who you know, but rather, what it looks like you've done and/or what you're will to take credit for. People usually do a little fact checking if you write something like, "I invented the exclamation mark!" If you do write something like that just make sure you can SORT OF back it up. Maybe you were actually a part of the team that came up with the exclamation mark or an intern or maybe just in the room at the time. It doesn't matter. You were there and you should take partial credit for the discovery!

2. Can you check email for 8 hours a day? - This is super important because most businesses are passive aggressive wuss-loafs. Why call or talk to the person in the next cube to you? That's dumb! Here's what you should do: email the person you need to get a hold of quickly (make sure you don't proof-read or spell check), then get up and leave your desk for about 30 minutes for water cooler camaraderie. Rinse and repeat this process until you get an email response. You NEED a paper trail!

3. Can you sit for 8 hours a day? - Honestly, with all the health and fitness reports about sedentary lifestyles and obese Americans, you'd think they would have found a better alternative to sitting. WELL, not yet BUCK-O! Gotta nice tush? Kiss that ass goodbye, my friend. It's gonna get porridge lumpy.

4. How do you feel about awkward social gatherings? - Oh because you'd better START feeling good about these aforementioned gatherings. Getting a job opens up a deluge of just terrible interactions with other people. Remember Becky in Processing? Yeah, the one with the eye tick and the curled top lip. Wanna go drinking with her at a Happy Hour? Not so happy anymore, right? More like Awkward Hour because you'll spend all 60 minutes looking at your watch and text messaging your friends that you wish were by your side.

5. How well do you deal with extremely rude people? - Because they are going to shit on you left and right my friend! Think of the middle school bully mentality, except these people are getting paid to be jerks. WHAT?! In fact, at the end of the year, they are probably rated by some "am I enough of a jerk" metric to determine whether or not they get a raise or promotion to be more of a jerk! Kudos corporations.

With these questions answered and tucked away in the back of your mind, you are now ready to venture out into corporate America. Good luck!*

*Trademarked by SPE

Rotten to the Core(dump)

2010-05-05T16:10:00.004-04:00

This is an interesting article about the recent antitrust bullshit going on with Apple.

Long story short – The day after Adobe announces a tool that’ll assist iPhone developers, Apple revised the developer license agreement to prevent ALL 3^rd party tools (like Adobe). This is all revolves around advertisements within applications.

I’d like to say that I care about this as an Apple user, but let’s be honest; who cares about advertisements? Ads are in many of the free apps I use now because I’m frugal and refuse to pay for a twitter app or Words with Friends. I’m fine seeing an advert for Bing or Sports scores as long as the developer gets some revenue and I get a free app. The only reason this even crossed my mind is because I care as a developer. From time to time (when not in meetings and doing other trivial and demeaning professional activities) I get the opportunity to write code. It’s a lot of nerdy fun.

This is a "go-home-the-day-is-over" error message.

What isn’t fun is when you have a company that acts as a bottleneck and prevents you from making a product. Development can happen across a lot of different tools and my mindset is that your creativity and ingenuity shouldn’t be restricted. Apple’s already made the entry barrier difficult by only allowing you to develop on a newer Apple computer and purchase an annual developers license. As I stated above, I’m cheap, and those are costs that I don’t want to incur. I’d love to learn to write a simple application for my iPhone but as a hobbyist I’m not paying $1000+ for that opportunity.

Apple has been crapping on Adobe for a while and what I fail to see is why they’re not working WITH Adobe in order to bring an existing web asset (Flash) to the iPhone. Way to be a team player Apple. My contract is up Jan 2011 and I’m done with the iPhone at that time. The above is only one reason in a laundry list of technological and service disappointments regarding the iPhone (I'm looking at you, AT&T!).

Stuff I hate: Repo! The Genetic Opera

2010-04-28T15:49:00.000-04:00

I really wanted to love the movie Repo! The Genetic Opera. I love the idea of a dystopian future with a monopolistic company that is able to sell organ transplants at a premium plus interest. Ridiculous? Yes! Appealing to the humanistic sense of mortality and financial debt? You betcha bottom dollar! (pun intended) Although the idea is a far-fetched fable, it seemed like an original concept and story. So original that a couple months ago I defended The Genetic Opera (without having watched it) when it seems that the plot had been stolen by the movie Repo Men starring that handsome dullard Jude Law (who really stretched his acting chops as a bed-hopping ass in Alfie or a prostitute android in AI) and Forest Whitaker (whom I’ll never forgive for the movie Battlefield Earth regardless of how many squinty Ugandan dictators he portrays). But after watching Repo!, I’ve come to the realization that an original idea does not necessarily equal an incredible script/movie.

I thought the rock opera/musical nature of this movie would have really appealed to me since I’ve enjoyed classics like Rocky Horror, Hedwig, and even RENT! In the end Repo! ends up juggling so many different things that it never concentrated on the important relationship between the Repo Man and his daughter who has a blood disease. SPOILER ALERT - At the end it’s revealed that the Repo man has been poisoning his daughter for 17 years! This news is delivered in the last 3 minutes and basically NO ONE RESPONDS/REACTS TO IT! Plus, the Repo Man says this under coercion so you have no idea whether or not it’s true. This all happens in the last 3 minutes of the movie! (I can’t stress this enough)

There is a smattering of other supporting characters that do about as much heavy lifting as a pregnant woman on a construction site: ZILCH. A colorful cast of nothings like; Paris Hilton (who’s only redeeming part is that she’s publically shamed in the movie when her face falls off, not kidding) , Sarah Brightman (who plays a blind opera singer named Blind Mag), Ogre from Skinny Puppy, and the Graverobber do little to further along the madness of the story. Instead they offer short and forgettable sidebars from the actual tragic main plot.

My suggestions on how to improve Repo! The Genetic Opera:

Like RENT, give everyone HIV/AIDS,
Like Hedwig, make everyone suffer from a botched sex change,
In a movie with cosmetic surgery where you constantly use “Mask” metaphorically please employ Ben Stein to reprise his role as Dr. Arthur Neuman from the 1994 movie The Mask,
Paris Hilton Cross-Promotion – Just like in the movie, actually cut her face off! Or picked someone else who loves going under the knife: Heidi Montag and then cut her face off,
Blind Mag’s – if you’re going to name characters after their disability then make it accurate and recast the character as opera singer Andrea Bocelli,
Blind Mag Promotion – release fake albums from Bling Mag and name them all after Bruce Springsteen songs, i.e. “Dancing in the Dark” or “Blinded by the Light.” Make it more condescending PUH-LEASE!
Cast Paul Sorvino in EVERY ROLE. Not only does Pauly have a great voice but he’s practically bald. I would change my review in a (transplanted) heartbeat if all 97 minute contained Sorvino fumbling around with stupid wigs as he transitioned from character to character. That would make it an instant cult classic.

Family Values

2010-04-15T10:41:00.001-04:00

It's hard to believe that FIST is over for 2010. FIST is a single elmination improv comedy tournament in Washington DC hosted by the Washington Improv Theater. I've been pretty priviledged to see so many great performances over the past six weeks. I've laughed so hard during many of these shows that it should warrant maxilofacial surgery to reconstruct my jaw. Yes, I seriously laughed that hard at troupes like The Flea Sisters (they had ukuleles for goodness sake!) and Plan B (who need to do more $7 CVS makeovers). Each team develops a unique show concept and gets about 10 minutes to perform against another team and audience votes determine the winner.

I competed in a team named Goddammit Mother! with my friends Sarah and Archie. I had a blast! Prove it you say? Here's the video evidence! Enjoy.

FYEyes: I'm really good at yelling!

WTFBBQROFLcopter

2010-04-07T14:11:00.000-04:00

Internet and text message speak (e.g. - LOL, BTW, etc) makes me chuckle because it's silly and no one takes it seriously. Recently, I saw a commercial where a music "group" called LMFAO was featured with their song "Shots." The chorus of the song was played on the commercial and for some silly reason it's addictive. I couldn't get it out of my head over Easter weekend, and I walked around my mom's house yelling the chorus. It's so basic and silly that I have a difficult time believing that this group was nominated for a Grammy.

Here are the lyrics for the first verse and the chorus:
"When I walk in the club
All eyes on me
I'm with the party rock crew
All drinks are free
We like Ciroc
We love Patron
We came to party rock
Everybody its on
Let's go

Shots shots shots shots shots shots
shots shots shots shots shots
shots shots shots shots shots
everybody (x2)

Hey (x21)"

They really polished this gem by repeating "Hey" 21 times. I can picture LMFAO in a recording studio and saying, "We need more 'Hey's' in this song," in a similar fashion to the SNL "we need more cowbell" sketch.

LMFAO is a "party rock" group and doing multiple shots seems appropriate because it's a component of their purported lifestyle. Since yelling "shots" about a hundred times at my mom, dad, and Nancy Drew got boring quickly, I started making up my own premises for NEW songs and named them after a component of the lifestyle.

Here are my new premises and song titles to coincide with the lifestyle:

If I was a gardener - "Pots,"
If I took Rorschach tests frequently - "Blots,"
If I ever sponsored applesauce - "Mott's,"
If I owned and ran a daycare center or really loved bite sized fried potatoes - "Tots,"
If/when our robot overlords take over the planet -"Bots,"
If I was crashing in a friends hotel room and I had to call the front desk for a roll away bed - "Cots,"
If I really enjoyed the "ice cream of the future" - "Dots,"
If I was someone frantically took notes all the time - "Jots,"
If I was on the Deadliest Catch television show and I worked as a deck hand - "Knots,"
If I was a hemophiliac - "Clots."

I did this for an ENTIRE day. If you're reading this and thinking, "Sean has lost it," rest assured that I hate myself a lot.

If you have a song idea, let me know!

Potty Mouth

2010-03-30T14:35:00.000-04:00

First of all; I hate small talk. Those first couple of hours at work in the morning where the mind is still foggy and people repeatedly ask the question, “how are ya?” with no genuine interest but they continue to do it purely out of obligation. My favorite is when you both ask the same question at the same time and neither of you answer as you pass in the hall. At this point, the gesture of “asking” quickly becomes downright rude. If you don’t care, please don’t say anything. Just mill about the break room or walk to your next meeting. If I don't give you a needless personal update about myself, I promise that we'll both survive. Trust me.

I hate small talk even more when the setting is in an unnatural place for conversation. The worst is when the setting includes the possibility of nudity such as in a public bathroom. I don’t know why people feel the need to begin a conversation in the restroom but it happens all the time! Recently, my friend Tyler had a weird experience in a public restroom and it brought back memories of my bad experiences.

Top Three Worst public restroom experiences:

Small Talk - Recently I had a stranger strike up a conversation about the commute home and the forecasted weather. He did not take the hint when I failed to respond or make eye contact and just continued talking as if I was a willing participant. Did he think both topics (weather and driving) were so universally relatable that we’d become instant friends? I believe he even said ‘goodbye’ as I walked away.
Job Offer - I was offered a job by a college professor job while he was using the urinal. I was washing my hands but he felt it was important to strike up a conversation as he was “handling his business.” (double entendre!) I had clearly finished drying my hands and was ready to leave but he just continued to steamroll the conversation!
Creeper – I was at a job training session in Rockville, MD. While on break, I was followed into the bathroom by a person who was openly talking to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE about an earthquake that had just occurred in Asia. He violated the guy bathroom code and stood at the stall next to me and continued talking about the earthquake. Each time he said the word earthquake he looked down at "himself." I was so freaked out by this exchange that I just stopped and left the bathroom.

Most embarrassing public bathroom moment:

I was sitting down in a stall and playing a game on my old LG enV phone. I dropped my phone on the bathroom floor and it bounced into the next stall, which was occupied! The person in the stall reached down, grabbed my phone, and handed it back to me under the stall divider. I was so embarrassed that I sat in the bathroom for a good 10 minutes to avoid confronting the helpful stranger.

Orville Redenbacher

2010-03-22T15:54:00.000-04:00

This morning I witnessed the following:

Man gets out of his car in the parking garage and walks towards the elevator,
Half way to the elevator a visible light bulb goes off above his head and he returns to his car,
The man emerges from his car with a bag of microwave popcorn.

I admire his commitment to breakfast. I’m not a fan of microwave popcorn myself, but this guy had a smile on his face that made me say, “maybe I should get some popcorn.”

“Maybe” is the keyword. After working for five days at a movie theater in central PA, I get a chill up my spine when I smell popcorn. Why? Because as I was cleaning off a table, half way through my first day on the job, I found a tooth. Yeah! You heard me. A TOOTH. (A bicuspid to be exact) I now associate popcorn with missing teeth. Maybe the persons tooth fell out because of those oh-so-devilish popcorn kernels that hide in the bag, cleverly planted there by your dentist and the ADA.

Everyone is familiar with the smell of a bag of microwave popcorn, but I just can’t imagine taking a freshly popped bag and all of its pungent aromas into a small space like a car. The man must smell of butter all day long. Co-workers must enter the office, get excited at the smell of butter, begin to think "maybe the company sprung for a catered waffle bar breakfast in the conference room." Excitedly they run over and see Hank sitting with a bag of popcorn.

“Sorry, guys. False alarm,” says Hank as he politely offers the bag to his coworkers.

“I can’t believe it’s NOT butter!” they all exclaim in unison. Everyone laughs and then they all go to Starbucks together. This is how corporate America works, right? I want to say yes, but I’ve known to be wrong from time to time. Until I'm proven wrong, it's FACT.

Not sure if I'm coming or going

2010-03-12T15:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure where to start, so I’m just going to put everything in an unordered list:

My dad was in a car accident. He’s alright and I went up to PA for a couple days to play Driving Ms. Daisy. He seemed in good spirits when I left and I’m going back up next week to go car shopping with him.
My friend JD is almost out of the hospital. His recovery continues to amaze me and certainly shows the strength of the human body. I’m excited to play Rock Band and Mario Kart with him soon.
Having both of the above things happens tends to change your perspective on life. Well played karma and forces of the universe. Everything else on this list (awesome or frustrating) will be pretty insignificant by comparison.
I’m addicted to the iPhone game Plants vs. Zombies. If you have an iPhone and $2.99, treat yourself to a fun and addictive game between two long standing aforementioned rivals. I’ll never understand the pairing of undead versus flora since the game is too much fun.
I started playing Scrabble on an app called Words with Friends. After playing against T-Rich, JD, Coobs, and Elmo, they really need to rename it Words with Enemies. Actually, it really only applies to Coobs. I hate his stupid face now because of that game. You heard me Archie! EFF YOU!
DMG had a really fun show last Friday. I’m looking for a repeat at the Source Theatre tonight at 11pm.
My FIST team, Goddammit Mother! won our first battle against Alpha Beta Soup. I walked off stage after our show and thought, “holy moley that was awesome.” I haven’t been nervous on stage for a few months and FIST really rattled me in a good way. Our next show is Friday, March 26 against Plan B. This will be an awesome show since Plan B is comprised of not only performers that I personally respect, but also friends. DRAMA!
I’m running a half marathon relay with Nancy Drew and another friend named Michelle. It’s a relay because my ankle has been weak since January after I ran my first half marathon. I’ve been nursing it back to health and it’s really only able to do about 5 miles right now, which is perfect for a relay since it’s two 5 mile legs and one 3.1 mile leg. I’m excited because my friend Brad is coming down from NYC to run as well.
I finished being a teaching assistant for Coobs 1B improve class last week. Being a TA was something I’ve wanted to do for a while and while I stated above that I hate Coobs ( I really do) it was a great experience and I’m looking forward to TAing again.
The HVAC in my apt that provides heat to the bedroom broke last week. Instead of putting on layers of clothing to fall asleep, Nancy Drew and I decided to “camp out” in the living room on an air mattress. While some might call that an “adventure” or “something to break up the monotony,” but I call it a “huge pain in the ass.” I’m not a fan of sleeping on an air mattress. Plus, living/sleeping/eating in such close proximity to one another made me realize that I could never live in a studio apartment.
These last three months have been good but stressful. I’m constantly tired.
I overheard someone today say something so sexist towards females that even I was embarrassed. The gist of the message was “women control the two most important rooms in the house; the kitchen and the bedroom.” I’m not sure whether or not the person was joking but I’ve heard this person make other bullshit comments before so I feel that the above comment genuine.
I feel like my lips have been chapped for a month! It’s annoying.

Rise of the FIST!

2010-03-04T09:52:00.002-05:00

Single elimination improv tournament! or spoof of Charlie's Angels?

Tonight marks the return of the FIST! (Fighting Improv Smackdown Tournament) FIST is 44 improv teams (3 people on each team) who are competing in an single elimination tournament of laughs. It's March maddness for improv but unlike basketball, here's the twist:

THE AUDIENCE DECIDES THE WINNER!

It's a lot of pressure to put on you, the audience, but I think you're ready for it. I think we're at that point in our relationship. No more hand holding. You've got strong opinions and I want to hear them!

I'm stepping into the ring on Saturday, March 6 at 8pm. My team is called Goddammit Mother and we're going to make you feel awkward about family relationships. Get ready for a public shaming.

Facebook invite link - http://tinyurl.com/yabktz4

Also, the improv troupe that I perform in named DMG is performing March 5 and March 12 at Source. Both shows are at 11pm and it's $10 a ticket. We're performing along side the very funny Entitlement League.

DMG's March 5th performance Facebook invite link - http://tinyurl.com/y9j4ohj

5 seconds after this picture was taken, I threw-up on Sarah.

Sense of humor

2010-02-28T23:58:00.002-05:00

I just started using Google Voice and now it thinks it's a comedian. This message was to confirm a recent appointment. I HAD to reschedule due to the 41 homicides. Thanks Google.

Circus Peanuts

2010-02-23T18:32:00.002-05:00

I've been taking a sketch comedy writing class since January and I totally adore it. It's been a great personal challenge to force myself to write something/anything and then have some really smart people give me constructive criticism. The class is great because I get to laugh for 2 1/2 hours every Sunday.

I wrote the following sketch in a shop-keeper/receptionist format. It was intended to be an animated sketch with the animation similar to the Squigglevision in early episodes of Home Movies or in the animation style of The Life & Times of Tim. This is the second draft so it's still a baby but I'm proud of all my babies nonetheless. Here it is:

CIRCUS LAWYERS

INT. OF AN OFFICE. A RECEPTIONIST DESK IS POSITIONED OUTSIDE OF AN EXTRAVAGANT DOUBLE DOORED BOARD ROOM. SEATED BEHIND THE DESK IS SARAH, A VERY PRIM AND PROPER RECEPTIONIST. FRANKLIN, carrying a file folder, APPROACHES SARAH'S DESK AND IS NOT NOTICED OR GREETED BY SARAH, WHO IS CHECKING VOICE MESSAGES.

FRANKLIN

[Motions to gain the attention of a very distracted Sarah] Hi. Hi, there. I'm Franklin Davis from accounting. I just finished going through the FY 10 reports [Nervously] and I found some, uh, very serious discrepancies with our Cash-Flow Statement. I really need to speak to Mr. Williams to clear this up.

SARAH

[Puts down the phone] I'm sorry but Mr. Williams is very busy today. He's in a meeting all day with the board of directors.

ACTION: A PROCESSIONAL OF FACE PAINTED CLOWNS, CIRCUS DANCERS, AND A SEAL BALANCING A BEACH BALL ON HIS NOSE WALK PAST BOTH FRANKLIN AND SARAH AND INTO THE BOARD ROOM.

FRANKLIN

[Annoyed] Everyone else seems to get an audience with Mr. Williams today despite [Holds up a file folder] the fact that the discrepancies in these reports are extremely important and Mr. Williams needs to see them immediately.

SARAH

I'm terribly sorry but everyone had an appointment. If [Stressed] YOU'D like to make an appointment, I can schedule you in early next month.

ACTION: A PROCESSIONAL OF ACROBATS, A MAN ON STILTS, A FIRE BREATHER, A MAN WITH AN ORGAN GRINDER, A DANCING MONKEY, AND A LION TAMER HOLDING A CHAIR IN ONE HAND AND LEADING AN ACTUAL LION WITH HIS WHIP WALK PAST FRANKLIN AND SARAH AND INTO THE BOARD ROOM.

FRANKLIN

[Furious] Look. According to this report [holds several pieces of paper above his head] the company won't be here next month for me to schedule a meeting because we'll both be out of jobs!

SARAH

Mr. Williams left me explicit instructions not to let anyone in under any circumstances!

ACTION: A PROCESSIONAL OF A RING LEADER WITH A MEGA-PHONE, AN ANIMAL TRAINER LEADING A BABY ELEPHANT, A CLOWN CARRYING A CONTORTIONIST, A BEAR RIDING A TRICYCLE, SEVERAL DOGS JUMPING THROUGH A HULA HOOP, A SMALL CLOWN CAR, AND JUGGLERS ON UNICYCLES MOVE PAST FRANKLIN AND SARAH AND INTO THE BOARD ROOM.

ACTION: DISTANCE SHOT OF BOTH FRANKLIN AND SARAH. FRANKLIN HAS THROWN THE REPORTS ABOVE HIS HEAD AND PAPERS SCATTER EVERYWHERE. FRANKLIN AND SARAH BOTH WAVES THEIR ARMS ANGRILY AND FRANKLIN ATTEMPTS TO MOVE TOWARDS THE BOARD ROOM DOOR. PAN TO SHOW A PHOTOCOPIER AND A BEAR STANDING NEXT TO IT WITH A FEZ HAT ON HIS HEAD. THE BEAR COLLECTS HIS PHOTOCOPIES WITH HIS MOUTH. ABOVE THE PHOTOCOPIER IS A SIGN THAT READS 'RINGLING, RINGLING, RINGLING, RINGLING & FINKELSTEIN: ATTORNEYS AT LAW.'

FADEOUT.

"Clever girl." - Muldoon

2010-02-22T13:26:00.001-05:00

This is a really clever way to tell your significant other that your relationship is over on Valentine's Day!

I'm very topical. I'll have more tomorrow. Promise! (fingers-crossed)

A glimpse of things to come

2010-02-03T23:17:00.002-05:00

I wrote about the above video a while back (remember?). Anyway, the finished product is now available for your viewing (dis)pleasure. I think this was the first take of the day for Nancy Drew and I. I say that because I remember Nancy Drew came on strong with the pillow and first and I had to tell her to, "lay off woman!"

I think the video looks excellent and I had a great experience thanks to Pruitt Allen and Manan Katohora! Name dropping so soon? You know it.

Please understand me!

2010-01-31T05:04:00.002-05:00

I'm a big fan of observing other people in public settings. One of my favorite places to observe people is in a cafeteria or lunch room setting because the location allows you to fill both a social need and two basic necessities; food and water. Socially many of us are friendly with our coworkers. You might attend an occasional happy hour together but you may not hang out on the weekends and you try to keep your professional and personal lives separate. You have an investment that goes as far as being empathetic towards one another as you struggle through 8+ hours of career oriented boredom.

I recently observed a situation that made me giggle.

Two ladies standing in front of the microwave. Lady #1 is having a very open and revealing conversation about something that has deeply impacted her life. Her tone is very emotional and you can tell that this story has been told several times before because it seems almost practiced but nevertheless, is still carries a heavy burden for her. Her gestures are animated and her body is turned away from the rest of the people in the room, implying that this is a private conversation between her and Lady #2.

Lady #2 is staring at the microwave wondering when her Chicken with Almonds Lean Cuisine microwave lunch will be finished. She's staring at the microwave very intensely.

Lady #1 continues to tell her story and at this point her voice gets low, she looks to Lady #2 for a response, and then she drops the phrase:

"You know what I mean?"

I love this phrase because it means NOTHING. No one knows what you mean because circumstances are always unique to the individual. Maybe you can relate and/or be empathetic to the situation, but since you are not the person affected you'll never know exactly what they mean. Knowing what they mean requires them to start at the beginning of their story and explain to you every single detail and their entire internal thought process and that would be boring. I'm bored just thinking about it.

The phrase is always amazing because it's a way to seek validation. Obviously, during the course of Lady #1 spinning her yarn to Lady #2, Lady #1 was expecting more of an physical and/or emotional reaction from Lady #2. She wanted there to be a connection. Lady #1 wanted to see Lady #2 validate her theatric tale, and Lady #2 really wanted lunch. It's a common conflict that I love to observe.

The above phrase is also synonymous with:

"You know what I'm saying?"

"Come on!"

"Am I right?"

I find it helpful just to give the person the validation they're seeking so I can enjoy my microwaved meal in peace.

Probably one of the dumbest things I've done.

2010-01-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

When I received the above information last September, via email, the reality of the situation did not immediately set in, sort of like graduating high school. I'm running a half marathon. Yeah, whatev. At the time I had not run more than three miles and even that was a combination of running and walking. I archived the email and decided my time would be better spent sleeping and eating Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop!

Once Nancy Drew completed the Marine Corps Marathon at the end of October I knew that I needed to put in the time and effort because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I've been traveling to Phoenix annually and thus, embarrassing myself on an annual basis on some type of hiking adventure. My friend Chris lives in the Grand Canyon State and so once a year we head to this marvelous gorge to embark on a unique adventure. I usually only complete the journey after I kick, scream, and bitch a lot. I really am a petulant child when it comes to physical activity. Fortunately, I was able to put aside all of my whining and commit to training four times a week.

After putting in the necessary training hours, I felt pretty good as I boarded the plane last Friday. Now that the half marathon is behind me, here are my post-run thoughts in a pro/con list -

Pros:

I got to travel to Phoenix, AZ. Phoenix is great and I really like the state as a whole because they had the balls to say "NO" to Daylight savings time. We had gorgeous weather on the day of the run which was refreshing after the freezing DC weather as of late.
You get a medal! How many times in your life do you get a medal? Granted, I payed for the medal with my registration fees but I feel like I earned this one. I proudly wore the medal to In-n-Out Burger and devoured two delicious cheeseburgers. Running + In-n-Out ='s breaking even in my book.
A new found respect for ibuprofen! Ibuprofen is the best drug ever because IT WORKS. It prevents me from shuffling around like an old man.

Cons:

We took a Red Eye flight home several hours after finishing the race. I was miserably cramped on the flight.
My ankle has been wrapped in ice for a good portion of the past two days. My right ankle definitely feels like it ran 13.1 miles and is being a real pain in the ass. I've been walking around like Hugh Laurie's character Dr. Gregory House (sans the cane).
Race events always begin early in the morning. I'm not an early morning person. I'd be cool with a 11AM start time instead of 8:30AM.

Personal Goals:
My goal was to run for an hour straight OR 5 miles, whichever came first. This wasn't an arbitrary number, but rather what I had consistently run for a majority of my training. I surpassed my goal by running roughly 7.22 miles (over 80 minutes straight) before I took a walking break. I also managed to complete 10 miles within 2 hours (new record) and keep pace for the entire race.

Theme for the weekend - "Someone else will always be more extreme than you." Running a half marathon is a completely achievable goal for anyone. I'm proof of that. When I was collecting my gear after the race, I noticed that the ribbon on my medal was blue, the full marathon ribbon was red, and the yellow ribbon was for an Ultra Marathon. An Ultra Marathon is when you run beyond the 26.2 miles. Some people woke up at the crack of dawn to run 4.8 miles AND THEN they ran the full marathon later that morning. That's pretty extreme in my book.

You can check out more information about the route of the half by clicking below. I tracked the entire run on my iPhone using RunKeeper Pro, which is an unbelievable application.

I laughed and then I dry-heaved

2010-01-06T12:34:00.003-05:00

A friend sent me this link on Reddit yesterday: click here. The question is "what is the most bachelor thing you've ever done" and the responses are a mixture of hilarious and disgusting stories. I was hypnotized by the long list of bachelor tales and I cackled at my desk like a madman as I read them. After the first few ancedotes I began to reminise about my bachelor days before I met Nancy Drew.

Three particular instances immediately stood out in my mind from college. In two of the stories I witnessed the end result but did not contribute to the mess. In the second story I may or may not have contributed to the problem but since I'm the one recapping on these stories I refuse to accept responsibility.

Bachelor stories -

1. Before Christmas 2000, my roommate Matt decided not to go home over Christmas break and remained in our on campus housing. Before I left, Matt purchased some salsa and chips, ate some of them, and then left the bowl of salsa on the kitchen table. When I returned after break, the bowl was in the exact same position but now with a black swarm of fruit flies hovering above it. I asked Matt why he hadn't taken care of this problem and he said he was too busy sleeping, playing Snood, and listening to the people in the upstairs apartment have loud sex. I believe that we either threw the bowl away or I sprayed the fruit fly cloud with some type of chemical cleaner before running it threw the dishwasher five times. I'd fact check this story but I hate Matt.

2. In early 2001 I was living with Matt (from the story above) and my friend Rich. We lived on the second floor of a building that had staircase on the side that overlooked a series of about seven university owned trashcans. We used to toss our trashbags from the staircase into the trashcans below since it was a trivial distance.

One afternoon I went to take the trash out and pulled the bag out of the trashcan in our apartment in preparation for my three-point shot from the staircase. Something was different about this bag as I pulled it out. I noticed there was a light brown liquid dripping from the bag. The drips were collecting at the bottom of the trashcan which looked like it contained broad rice noodles in a frothy miso broth.

I gagged and then we threw away the entire trashcan out.

3. In 2003, I shared a bedroom with my roommate Jeremy. When Jeremy moved out, I reclaimed the room and began a massive cleaning effort since Jeremy was a bit slovenly. I moved the desk in our room out from the wall and found about 15+ used Q-tips laying on the floor. He would use them and then toss them behind the desk. When he didn't have Q-tips, he used long wooden cotton swabs that doctors use for mouth and throat cultures. He'd break the wooden stick and throw both pieces behind the desk.

Leave a comment with your worst roommate stories!

This is how you do business!

2010-01-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

Tim knew that he was a gentleman. He was dressed in a smart looking charcoal and navy pin stripped suit that despite being worn all day was only creased in the center of his back below his shoulder blades. The daily labor spent on his hair and appearance was something he proudly noticed each and every time he saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror or the metallic paneling in the elevator.

He considered himself a scholar and a gentleman. A modern marvel of focus, clarity, and sophistication. In a world of attention disorders and even shorter attention spans he was the exception. As he arched his back to correct his perfect posture it put him in a better position to see the spreadsheet on the computer monitor. “Spreadsheet, I will conquer you,” Tim said to himself but still mouthed the words.

To aid in his focus, Tim took loud and deliberate sips from his aluminum Coca-Cola can. With each sip he placed his hand around the can, squeezed, brought the can to his pursed lips, quickly sucked air into his small circle of a mouth, and then quickly returned the can to its original position. The entire process executed within a span of two seconds. Each time like clockwork.

"This is good." thought Tim. "This is good and I am on target..." He neglected to finish the thought as he let out a deep sigh that raised and lowered his shoulders. He immediately returned to the can of soda and took nine repetitious sips from the can. The sound of each sip ended in a high pitched slurp.

Suddenly without warning came an hot and audible burp. It could have been stifled but why would he deny the world of his gaseous guttural symphony.

To Tim's credit he did say, "Excuse me," under his breath.

Quite the gentleman indeed.

Here's a free tip...

2009-12-16T16:42:00.012-05:00

If someone introduces themself to you and you don't hear their name (e.g. - maybe they are soft spoken or have an accent) DO NOT under any circumstances substitute their name with the name that you thought you heard. I repeat, DO NOT say the following:

"I'm sorry, did you say your name was <insert random name>?"

I can guarantee you that the random name your noggin supplied is NOT going to be correct and you'll feel like an ass. Especially, if you insert the name of a well known hip hop artist.

Warning - I fo' realz unintentionally said this:

"I'm sorry, did you say your name was T.I.?"

I wasn't even close as the persons name began with a "K."

This is not normal behavior...

2009-12-15T12:20:00.000-05:00

This should be filed under TMI (Too Much Introspection) as the story starts out in a public restroom. I was walking around the dividing wall that separates where the "business" happens and where people wash their hands and out of the corner of my eye I saw something that caused me to panic as a person with mild OCD and a germ-ophobe.

There was a gentlemen in a full suit and tie, with his head under the facet, lapping at the water like a dog. I don't know how else to describe it! The entire left side of his body was making direct contact with the restroom counter top and his tie was half in the sink. He wasn't even trying to remain professional or tidy in his quest to hydrate.

He never stopped drinking, even as I noticed him in my peripheral. He remained slumped over the sink with his lips pursed. Completely shameless.

It was pretty obvious that I was taken aback by the sighting because my entire body froze for a second while my brain was trying to make sense of the situation. It was very noticeable and out of the corner of my eye I could see him watching me as I washed my hands. The entire time his eyes were saying, "Oh no, I've been caught...or have (eye)?" (Eyes can make puns)

I'm now deliberately refusing to make eye contact with this guy, which is causing me to panic as he continues to drink and stare at me. Now I know that I used to drink directly for the facet myself. It was a normal occurrence when I was in middle school, after I had brushed my teeth, in the privacy of my own home. But never in a public restroom and never so defiantly!

The best part is that in order to get into the restroom he had to walk past a vert clearly marked water fountain.

I was hung up on this event all last week until last Thursday night. I was back stage at Source, with my improv troupe DMG, getting ready to go perform. I looked over at one point and saw a fellow DMG member with their head underneath the facet.

DMG at Source for Seasonal Disorder!

2009-12-09T15:17:00.002-05:00

This month I'm performing in two shows with DMG - my long-form improv troupe. Both shows are at Source (1835 14th Street, between T and S).

The price is $10 for the show but if you say that you want a "student ticket" then the price is $5! Even if you're not a student, just say that you want a "student ticket." I'm really sorry for the confusion on this. I have been shamed. ::hangs head:: "PAY WHAT YOU CAN," which means you can be give us a dollar for the entire show. "Pay what you can" means exactly that! It's up to you! Make a decision already!

More details:

Thursday, Dec 10th, (click for the FB event page)
Thursday, Dec 17th, (click for the FB event page)
We'll be doing around a 20 to 25 minute show, total show time is no more than an hour because,
We'll be joined by the super fun troupe The Entitlement League,
Source serves beer and wine now,
We hope to see you there!

It's improv, so both shows will be different! Come to both and get a free high-five from me!

Come on universe, I'm trying to stay angry...

2009-11-30T15:18:00.000-05:00

I get angry. I'm not sure the frequency of my anger and I've never been certain of the trigger. I realize how stupid that statement sounds because if I knew that, for example, "kittens" pissed me off, then I would avoid the hell out of the Humane Society, Pet Stores, and adorable children standing in front of a box labeled "Free Kittens" where the "R" is written backwards. After writing that sentence I actually feel pretty cheerful, as if my words were made of Zoloft. Just to dispell any potential rumors; I love kittens*. (*with the obvious caveat that they're not my kitten(s) and said kittens are cute.)

Lately, whenever I get angry, I find it hard to continue hating on whatever I'm frustrated about. It's as if the universe, karma, or whatever-you-want-to-call-it, is denying me the palpable dischord that fuels my tiny Grinch heart. Recently, it has happened twice, so I'm looking forward to rounding out this trilogy so I can start hating again.

A few weeks ago, I was angry as I left work. As I started towards my car I passed a day care center. Inside there was a little girl, dressed as a fairy princess, laughing, and finger painting. There is no way you could look at this and not smile. I dare you! I double dog dare you!

Another 20 feet past the cute tot, I spotted a little pug puppy out for a walk. Pug dogs are my anger kryptonite. I don't know why, but both things in such rapid succession made my heart melt and my anger fade away.

The second event again involved a dog and a kid.

I was in a hurry to go somewhere and probably pissed off at my own lack of preparation/planning. I got to the elevators in my building and the following people got on the elevator with me; a mother with her 7 or 8 year old son, and a woman with her french bulldog puppy. The following magic then happened:

Kid: "I really like French Bulldogs."
Mother: Smiling to the dog owner, "It's true. He's always loved French Bulldogs. Why do you like them so much?" With such sincerity as if she never thought to ask her son until now.
Kid: "I like them because they have a difficult time swimming."
Dog Owner: "That's actually true. Because their heads are so big they a little top heavy."
Kid: Pets dog and laughs.

Who the hell is this kid?! He's like Jonathan Lipnicki's character from Jerry Maguire! Who knows this kind of random "the human head weighs 8 lbs" factoid! Why is it so cute?! My heart exploded at the genuine and heartfelt sentiment in this conversation.

Two themes that I want to point out:
1. puppy dogs,
2. children.

Neither of which I'm ready to deal with at this point in my life. I wish there was an option to "rent to own."

I hate being an adult

2009-11-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

This is a story of why I hate being an adult. I honestly blame Harry Potter for this entire series of events.

As a kid your parents typically shielded from complicated interactions with other adults. Your parents provide a buffer because they are fully aware that dealing with adults, and their incompetency, can be an arduous task, and on occasion can feel like a full-time job. Your parents do this in an effort to preserve your innocence for as long as possible. At some point you begin to resent your parents because you feel that they’re denying you these social interactions with other adults. Your goal; to grow up, put on your big boy/girl clothes, and receive the same respect that you FEEL all adults take for granted. Oh how your youthful exuberance wilts when you quickly find out that a majority of adults are assholes.

This story starts with my wife, Nancy Drew, making a trip to the library and picking up the audio-book “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” We had both previously read the book and I chided her for the selection until one day when I was bored with the current CD’s in my car. I used to have a 45 minute commute and I would listen to the same CD’s repeatedly. Plus, the voice actor on the Harry Potter CD’s, Jim Dale, is amazing and he honestly turned my “commute time” into a daily “story-time.”

Around this time I was getting an ipod attachment installed in my car. This is where everything goes downhill. After Myer Emco installed the ipod cable in my car, I went out to inspect the work and despite the new audio capability in my car, I just wanted to listen to the final six discs of Harry Potter housed inside my dashboard CD changer. I found it odd that I couldn’t find the Harry Potter discs in my car nor could I eject/insert any new CD’s. All six discs were stuck in the CD player.

The mechanic/installer examined the CD player, you know, to double check his work, and then told me the following:

“We’re not sure what’s wrong but we believe you that it was working when you got here. You don't look like the kind of guy that would try to scam us. You’ll have to contact your dealership."

I really want to see “the kind of guy who WOULD try to scam them,” just for the visual reference. Does this mystery person have a pencil thin mustache, furrowed brow, nervously caress his hands, and speak like Vincent Price? Phew! Thankfully they believed me.

The mechanic had left the installation instruction guide on the passenger seat. I picked it up and noted that step number one read, “Remove all CD’s from the CD player before being the installation.” Insert an angry comment about how the mechanic can’t follow instructions and/or read!

Nancy Drew and I immediately went to the library to explain the situation. The librarian made notes related to the discussion in Nancy’s account to prevent threatening library fine notices. They were very cool about the whole thing and said it happens more often than you would think. (So, I guess everyone goes to Myer Emco for car audio debacles?)

I called the car dealership and made arrangements to have them extract the CD’s but quickly found out that their solution is to completely remove the CD player unit and swap it with another one. The old CD player is sent to a warehouse where they have the power to remove stuck CD’s! This process can take up to four weeks but they told me it would take two weeks tops.

Two weeks later and no one is sure when the CD’s will arrive. The library start getting finicky and sends Nancy nasty letters saying that they’re seeking payment for the total value of a Harry Potter audio-book, which is around $90! Then they send Nancy Drew a threatening letter about how they're going to take her to collections.

Another two weeks into the future and I've been calling the car dealership to see when/where the CD's are located. No answers until finally after playing phone tag for a week, I get a straight answer. The CD’s had been removed and delivered to my apartment.....(William Wallace) wait for it....10 days earlier!

Our apartment complex never gave us a ticket letting us know that we had a package. Finally last week I returned the CD's to the library and shelled out the whopping $10 for the fine.

To recap on all the communication disconnects:

The mechanic/installer couldn't read/follow the instructions,
Despite assuring us that it wouldn’t be a problem, the library of Alexandria will still send you mean notices,
The rules that my apartment complex has in place for receiving packages is a total cluster-fuck.

Had these adults, starting at the beginning, taken the time to read thoroughly and follow instructions, I wouldn’t have had to spend five weeks tracking down a lost Harry Potter audio-book, especially since it’s wasn’t my fault that it got stuck in the CD player in the first place!

Next edition will discuss what happens when H&R block doesn't do their due diligence in processing your 2007 taxes.

Can you tell me how to get...

2009-11-18T01:03:00.000-05:00

I'll never get get used to NYC being so sticky.

I honestly think that you could be sitting outside during autumn, with an ice cold beverage in hand, while holding a fan, and you would still be sticky. It hangs on your body like a marshmallow film. There's something about this new skin that's enjoyable and energizing. At this point I'm just trying to sound smart for the sake of sounding smart. In summary: NYC is amazing.

I went up last weekend for a whirlwind tour and had a great time. Don't believe me? It's cool. Sometimes I lie but then again sometimes I have proof.

This convinced me that I need to buy my own muppet from FAO Schwarz.

I got to hang out with some awesome friends, see some great improv, but it's all over shadowed by muppets.
Yaaaay!

File this under "I'm an idiot"

2009-11-12T17:06:00.000-05:00

I have a very difficult time conveying a sense of fear on stage while performing improv. Out of the four basic emotions (i.e. happy, sad, anger, fear) fear has always been a challenge for me. Maybe it's because I'm a product of the Information Age and thanks to the Internet and shock sites nothing really phases me anymore. Maybe I need to deploy some Stanislavski-esque "magic if" technique where I create dire circumstances for myself. Regardless, whatever I do always seems fake to me. I usually only get scared when I leave the apartment in the morning and can't find my phone, wallet, and/or keys. It wasn't until recently that I had a horrifying experience that was completely my fault.

A few weeks ago I returned home on a Friday, utterly exhausted from the week. I had every intention of going out that evening but I knew once I changed out of my work clothes that all bets where off. I crossed the threshold into the apartment, dropped by bags, and very absent mindedly let the door swing behind me.

My wife was gone for the weekend and I crashed on the couch watching It's Always Sunny on DVD, telling myself I'd just take a quick nap. I slept for about 3 hours, woke up, watched another episode of Sunny, and immediately passed out again another half hour. (I really need to get more sleep during the week) I finally woke up, sprawled all over the couch with some odd hunger pangs. I made some food and then began a several hour horror movie fest including the movie Dead Girl and ending with Quarantine.

If you haven't seen Quarantine, it involves a group of first responders and a two person news crew getting trapped inside an apartment building with its residents. Spoiler, everyone quickly finds out that a super strain of rabies is turning residents into crazed zombie-like infected. It's a pretty awesome movie.

I finished my horror movie marathon around 4am and begin my apartment lock-down procedures fueled, in part, by my OCD. I begin turning off lights and went to lock the deadbolt on the front door...the door had never fully closed when I absent mindedly let it swing behind me as I initially entered. Why didn't I confirm that the door was in fact closed after I walked through it the first time? Holy shit, the door has essentially been open from the time I got home and now 8+ hours later and it's still open! Panic (room) time!

I immediately locked the door (ya know, what I should have done in the first place) and proceeded to march through the apartment, turning on all the lights as I went. I never bothered to stop and pick up anything for self defense. It's just me taking huge stupid strides through each room with my fist clenched and raised at eye level. Ready to meet an unknown invader.

Nothing.

I opened every closet, drawer, and cabinet. I turned on all the lights. I marched through the entire apartment and I found nothing except my own paranoia. I feel asleep that night with the lights on and my bedroom door locked.

Thanks to my own neglect I can now freak myself out whenever I want. I don't suggest trying this at home as results may vary.

Casper

2009-10-30T15:48:00.000-04:00

I hate it when someone gives you constructive criticism and they are dead on.

It's not the criticism that I hate, as I really appreciate it when people are honest with me. It's the fact that I've been aware for quite some time of the reason or "thing" that I'm being criticized about. I'm making this out to be much more than it is. In fact, I was more complimentary that criticism.

I just thought that no one else noticed this "thing." I'm terrible at being secretive and in most cases I'm completely transparent, except for this bullshit blog post. This is the vaguest thing I've ever written.

I went to the Comedy Spot for Jake Young’s last show before he moves up to NYC and inevitably the Moon. I said goodbye to Jake in my own special way. If the video from last night turns out well I'll post it here. That's RIGHT; I'm staring at you Hampton. (He'll never read this. Deep sigh.)

Marathon

2009-10-27T16:21:00.001-04:00

This past Sunday I cheered on Nancy Drew as she completed the Marine Corps Marathon. It was a inspiring experience but I still don't think I'll ever run a marathon. Here's a brain dump of the whole ordeal.

Marathons start really early. I'm not a morning person but I was responsible for getting Nancy Drew and our friend Danille to the starting area. We left at 6am and dropped the car at Pentagon City. Nothing interesting to report.

In order to accomodate all of the runners and the runners nerves, they put about 100+ port-o-pods in the Pentagon parking lot, which is great because it makes the entire places smell like bathroom chemicals and poop. FYI - before you run 26.2 miles, you really don't want to inhale that aroma.

I saw two people down by the metro tracks between Crystal City and the National Cemetry taking a dump. Just dropped running shorts, asses out in the air, not a care in the world as if this was the norm. Evidentally, if you have a marathon number or "bib" on your shirt, it gives you a license to do your business anywhere at any point during the race.

People will run in any clothing that they own. I saw an old guy with a Rip Van Winkle beard, a wife-beater undershirt, and a trash bag around his his waist. Please spent the $20 at Target to get some technical running gear. If you can't afford the $20, then how did you afford the $65+ entrance feed to even run the race? In the future, don't run the race and a cotton tshirt is not your friend (see below).

I saw someone with bloody nipples. I had heard rumors from Alaina but it wasn't until I was standing at the finish line, that I saw this marvel. This guy was crossing the finish line and it looked like he had a face crying blood on his chest. I was not prepared for this and now I'm unable to see it. This is why you don't run a marathon in a cotton tshirt.

Marathon runners come in all shapes and sizes. Kudos to anyone who runs the race. That being said, now I'm going to hate on people. I was in better shape than some people and that messed up. Nancy Drew trained for six months for this race and it STILL takes a lot out of you! Some people looked like when they were present with the option to either training for the event or eating McDonalds, they chose the Golden Arches each time. And yet, these Dollar-menu-aires showed up and ran the 'thon. I'm done hating and congratulations to everyone. If this is the event that you picked to kick start your weight loose program, good for you but did you not realize the severity of this event?

I'm really white. I forget that point a lot but after spending 8 hours outside I was reminded that I require sun screen. I did make use of my hoodie and covered myself but then I was self conscious that I looked like the uni-bomber. I'm a creep.

Finally, if you yawn loudly while watching people run, then you're worthless. Also, if you get a blister on your feet from standing all day while watching people run, then you're double worthless.

I am officially double worthless.

Masquerade

2009-10-12T15:47:00.004-04:00

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. It's an opportunity to act like someone else, be completely shameless in your actions, and then blame it all on your costume and/or the person who threw up in your ALF mask! Devil-be-damned, if that isn't the perfect recipe for fun, then I'm completely off my Great Pumpkin. I've been planning my costumes with my friend Josh for the past two years so, let's take a trip down memory lane and criticize my choices.

In '07 I had just moved into the area. Nancy Drew and I were invited to her co-workers Halloween party and I didn't have a costume. Josh (pictured below, in the center) had decided on a Mario Kart theme and had ordered an awesome Luigi costume off Amazon weeks in advance. Nancy Drew went out on the day of the party and assembled my rocking Mario costume from different party and clothing stores. (Sidebar: I loved my Mario costume so much that the following weekend I married Nancy Drew.)

That's me on the right. I weighted as much as two Italian plumbers. Fact!

The following year, Josh and I planned ahead and decided to go as Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber. We both bought our costumes off Amazon but from different manufactures. This was a mistake as Josh's costume was made from decent quality material and mine was made of felt. It was extremely tight and I'm extremely self conscious.

I'm sad because I'm uncomfortable.

I'm getting ready to plan this years costume so I did some (Ghost)recon at the Party City on route 7. I'm not going to reveal my winning pick just yet but I wanted to make unscrupulous comments about the costumes that I saw. These costumes are for the ladies, so LET'S GO!

Save your money on this $40 costume and just smoke crack right before you head out.

Note: This costume comes with a sense of entitlement (not pictured).

I have nothing negative to say about this costume. It is 100% awesome, KERMIE!

I also stopped at Target and found this adorable costume for baby! Yes, you too can be Anne Geddes in the comfort of your own (creepy) home. Fun fact: this costume is ironic because hot dogs are made from 4% infant. Too. Many. Comments. And all of them are low hanging fruit.

What are you going as for Halloween?

Clueless

2009-09-30T12:01:00.000-04:00

"We could be that American couple!" I wrote in an instant message to my wife. My friend Dave had just forwarded me a Myspace (I didn't realize that site still existed) bulletin from a college friend named Nita Chawla. Nita in a singer/songerwriter in Maryland who is in the process of making her first music video for her song "Fall Again."

Nancy Drew and I were fortunate enough to be the "American couple," which is a really nice way of calling us out for being white. Nita mentioned that a lot of her Indian friends noticed the semantics and intention word usage in her request and she got some flack for it. For about two seconds I was really hoping that we'd be in a Bollywood style music video.

We arrived Saturday evening at a mansion somewhere out in Potomac, MD, which we were notified ahead of time was not found on Google Maps. The guy couldn't have been that wealthy if his house isn't available on Google Maps. When I shop for a place to live, that's the first thing I ask, "Can people find my place on Google Maps? I don't want them to think that I'm inaccessible." All kidding aside, the owner of the house and the entire crew were all very welcoming as Nancy and I got ready for our portion of the shoot.

As we watched the crew shoot the last couple scenes and setup for our couples therapy couch, Nancy asked, "What are we doing?" I had no idea myself, so I just started making stuff up and Nancy played along for some very awkward and funny scenes.

Nancy Drew is on the left giving me the frigid tundra shoulder. It was that cold!

Linger

2009-09-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

Saturday I auditioned for the Washington Improv Theater who was recruiting new members for the three house troupes, Caveat, JINX, and Season Six. All three are super lovely and super fun. (i.e. - go see them all NOW!) I had a lot of fun at the audition and a great time getting to meet all of the improvisers that seemed to pour out of the woodwork solely for the audition. I shouldn't continually be surprised that DC has a wealth of talented improvisers and moments like this serve as a joyous and constant reminder that I am continually uninformed.

After the audition I hung out with Joe Welkie, who was in my audition group. I haven't seen him in a few months since he's been busy and I've been lazy. A few other audition group members grazed outside with us, which provided constant humor for Joe and I. One person in particular was talking about how he was going to talk to a "cute girl" from our audition group, and left our conversation to go put in "his time with her." I use air quotes because bolding my words, just doesn't have the same effect. I just really like the idea of women having an imaginary threshold of time, where if you manage to run down the clock they'll reward you with stuff, and by stuff I mean awkward hand-holding and batted eyelashes.

Anywho, this guy puts in a lot of time with this girl and Joe and I started to provide our own private commentary on this. We decided this person should drop completely drop the pretense and ask the girl, "We fuckin' tonight?" If he was a little more cocksure (pun intended) in his approach he should change the question to a statement, "We fuckin' tonight." This way there is absolutely no doubt of what events will transpire later on.

The above phrase got stuck in my head for the entirety of Saturday. When Nancy Drew returned home on Sunday I repeated the phrase for her and the disapproving look I received promptly forced it out of my head. If it was a ND mystery book, it would be titled, "Nancy Drew and the mystery of why she married an asshole."

Another comment that occurred after the audition was as follows - "Oh that's Hobo Law. Ya know, sort of like, if you pull a knife out of someone, you better be ready to use it." I wish I remembered the context of this conversation, so I could further clarify how this natural disaster of a statement was made. I love the idea of Hobo's getting together and writing down stringent laws that will govern their Road Warrior society. Also, the mental picture of having to use a weapon that you pulled out of another person is just lovely. Sort of like the story Sword in the Stone, but instead we'll call it Switchblade in the Vagrant. You hear that Disney? Where my millions at?

If you have your own Hobo Law, please leave it as a comment.

Salve

2009-09-15T18:50:00.000-04:00

I'm a voyeur. Plan and simple. I love going to public places, sitting down, and observing people. It can be as simple as waiting in line for coffee, sitting in the back of a Super Shuttle returning from Dulles airport, or the checkout line at a Harris Teeter grocery store. I don't know why I find the conversations of others so interesting. Maybe it's because I'm looking to make new and wildly interesting friends, and if I find that one moment in their conversation where I can interject with an anecdote (that casually mentions how great I am) , they'll be so happy to meet me that they'll carry me (crowd surfing style) and sing songs of praise.

I use a lot of tactics when I enter into the "Voyeur Zone" (song by Kenny Loggins). Sometimes I put on headphones and act like I'm listening to most to some awesome music song, when secretly there's no music (ssshhhh!). Sneaky, right? I bet you didn't see that one coming. Lately, I've been acting like I'm checking email/twitter/playing-Peggle on my phone with such intensity that THE FATE OF THE FREE WORLD hangs in the balance. Regardless of my methods there are occasions when these tactics backfire on me.

The (holla)backfire always comes when someone, we'll call them a voyeuree, decides that they want confirmation about a specific point that they're trying to make to another voyeuree. The following is the logic behind the voyeuree's inquiry, "Well, if I can't convince this other person of my point, I'll ask a stranger. Because involving a uninformed third party with no prior knowledge of our current conversation is infallible logic!" This (sort of) happened to me the other night.

I had just returned home and walked to the mail room to check and see what I had received yet another prized Coupon Clipper magazine (and also to see if my Netflix movie had arrived) when I passed by our young apartment building security guard talking to an even younger girl outside the elevator. I quickly noticed that he was A) indeed flirting with her, as evident by the fact that he was hovering over her like a creep, B) she was indeed flirting back because she was allowing herself to be hovered over and giggling madly at the fact that anyone would show her attention, C) I love using lists.

Snippets from the guy as I got my mail sounded like, "yo," "come on girl," and "you know." This guy was a pimp! Now with my mail in hand as a cover, I ventured back to the elevator, and wished with all my might that someone was moving into an apartment and would be occupying the elevator for a good 20 minutes so I could listen in and not seem like a creep myself. As I waited for the elevator the following conversation occurred:

Guy: "What? I keep them dry on purpose, you know."
Girl: "Really?"
Guy: "Yeah, because if I need to grab a hold of someone, I want them to know that I'm grabbing hold."
Girl: "Tehehehe."
Guy: -turns to Sean- "Yo, you know what I'm saying right? If someone grabbed a hold of you with soft hands, what would you think of them?"

I'm always amazed when I hear stupidity of this (.44) caliber but now you want confirmation from a 3rd party? I wish I had a phantom limb that only made inappropriate gestures at people with dry hands. My mouth wanted to (Mark) echo some reassurances to the guy but honestly I had nothing.

This is the BEFORE picture from all Burt's Bees advertisements.

I think I said something like "Oh my, I know exactly what you're talking about. Nothing impresses the ladies like some calloused, scared, and mangled paws." In reality I just nodded and agreed with the guy so he could continue flirting and I could get on the elevator in peace.

After this recent backfire I'm giving heavy consideration to hanging up my voyeuristic ways . Anyway, here are some cute dogs. The small one is named Buddy and he's my favorite.

Tuned

2009-09-01T14:06:00.004-04:00

Recent personal music choices have had a weird interwoven fiber like scenes from a Tarantino movie, but with positive results. I recently started watching the show Weeds and during the first episode of the second season, there is a moment when the lead character has a WTF moment. During this moment a song is heard very subtly in the background. The words eventually become very clear and you hear the following lyrics being sung, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

Perfect timing!

It was a line that was impossible to resist. I immediately discovered that it was from singer/song writer Jenny Owen Youngs. (her initials are JOY) I quickly downloaded her two albums and an EP, which I've been enjoying nonstop. Last month, I was able to see her at IOTA in Clarendon, thanks to a bday gift from the wife, Nancy Drew. The show was crazy good!

I'm enjoying my new streamlined face, after she rocked my current face clean off!

A few weeks before seeing JOY, I was at IOTA to see my friend Matt Hemerlein. After Matt a performer named Bess Rogers rocked the stage with a ukulele. Her set covered such topics as Mtv's the State, Bulldozers, and a countrified 80's cover song. Nancy Drew and I both quickly downloaded her EP separately, since we do a poor job of coordinating our digital download efforts. It's six songs of awesome and Nancy and I have been having Bess Rogers sing-alongs on long car rides. (separate cars and separate sing-alongs, since we do a poor job of coordinating travel)

I think referring to it as an UKE sounds tough!

As it turns out, both Bess Rogers and Jenny Owen Youngs are in a band together called "The Flux Capacitor." The band takes hits from the 80's and makes country versions! Circle completed. Now I need more new and awesome music! I'm open to suggestions.

Construct

2009-08-28T14:59:00.005-04:00

"I still have two tickets for the LEGO Extravaganza," was in an email from my friend Sarah last week. It's impossible for me to resist an invitation especially when it involves the words "LEGO" and "Extravaganza." I enjoy attending events like this because you'll always walk away with an interesting story. Honestly, it's a win-win situation.

Go and check out Archie's blog because he beat me to the punch and his pictures are better. In addition to Archie's pictures about LEGO abortion, terrorism, and the LEGO holocaust, I present the following pictures:

After seeing this I decided to play some Calvin ball when I got home.

This sums up about 3/4 of my childhood.

This is the additional 1/4 of my childhood.

I find myself asking this question every day!

When I think social commentary, I think LEGOs.

I'll conclude with a video but please allow me to explain. The video you're able to watch has a Rube Goldberg LEGO contraption, which was pretty incredible. You'll see that for the first two minutes. At the 2:03 minute part, you'll see a guy on the right wearing a blue baseball hat and a maroon shirt. We will call him Douche Bag 1 (DB1). The older gentleman (OG) that he's talking to is the guy that build the LEGO monstrosity that I'm filming. I continue to film the LEGOs but I get close enough to hear the exchange between OG and DB1, which begins right before the 3 minute mark. DB1 is clearly picking a fight with OG, and the result is the funniest nerd-off between the two adults. I didn't realize you could engage in verbal "snaps" with someone over the construction of their LEGO display, but it happens, and I caught it on tape. Enjoy!

"UR LEGO setup be so poorly constructed you might as well get Duplo blocks! OH SNAP!"

Legacy

2009-08-26T15:19:00.004-04:00

"Pittsburgh Gym Massacre," was a national news headline at the beginning of August.

I was really in a state of shock for a few minutes after reading the article. I've called Pittsburgh home for a long time. I'll even say that I have more affection for the Steel City than the small suburban town where I grew up. I'm used to seeing sports and coal related news come out of western Pennsylvania, but not random acts of violence. Whenever tragedy occurs I attempt to rationalize things in my head by making statements:

Pittsburgh is an urban area,
There were shootings on campus close to where I lived as a freshmen,
Several friends of mine were mugged in the area.

I'm sure I'm doing an excellent job of selling Pittsburgh as a vacation spot to those of you haven't traveled there before, but this is simply the process that I use to make sense of these situations. The story reached a point of media oversaturation and the entire event was dissected like a frog in a 9th grade biology lab with little or no understanding of the actual events, and prematurely concluded with the introduction of a five day forecast. That's the reality of the situation. This is the human condition.

In the wake of tragedy there are always changed personal perspectives regarding your fellow human being and unanswered questions. Unless the killer was also a blogger and posted frequently about the people in his life, details of his preparation, and failed previous attempts. That would pretty much make it an open and close case, right? Full access into the mind of a killer, readily available on the internet, for everyone to read.

Unfortunately that is exactly what happened in this situation. As I finished reading through the blog I was chillingly terrified, like being sexually molested by a ghost. Each new post by this maniac was a reminder of the specter sitting next to me, running his hand up and down my thigh as I wince in discomfort. The hair on the back of my neck was on point as I finished the read. Instead of the "Okay, that was depressing. Time to counter it with some pictures of cute animals on the internet" feeling that I was expecting, the following question oozed into my brain instead - "Will people read my blog when I'm gone?"

When I'm old and on my death bed, will my family later go back and read all my posts? Will they comment on stuff? Will they friend request me? What are my posts going to say to my grieving family about the type of person I am? I also have to consider that they'll have already read these posts, and that my death won't be the big reveal. Looking back I'm sure they'll say stuff like, "I think maybe he went hiking once," or "he definitely had a problem with narcissism," or even "Sean really seemed to have a lot of opinions about zombies." Maybe people will read through old twitter messages only to say, "It looks like the fire alarm in this apartment building went off a lot." I feel confident that I'm leaving thrilling digital artifacts behind.

After I reassured myself that I'm doing my part for the future of mankind, I formulated the question, "what if the future reads my friends blogs?" That's when I realized that I'm in trouble. I can obviously give my own bias account of individual events but when someone like (random name off the top of my head) Tyler Richardson is quoted saying,

"When I picture Sean Paul Ellis, which I do from time to time, I wonder why he’s always a slave owner with “a lil’ Captain in him.” Strange…"

So now the future will infer that I'm a rum-soaked racist? How is that even possible? While you're at it Tyler, why don't you Photoshop a picture of your idea as well? Can't do that Tyler? Let me help you out.

Artists interpretation.

Again, I make statements to rationalize everything that's going on in my mind.

Our future will be the first time that digital information like blogs, Facebook, and twitter, has existed for our kids in such a readily available, unfiltered, and public manner,
I'm sure there will be an app on their phones to read all this content,
Do I really care what the future will think of me?

Thank you future for making me paranoid in the present about my actions that have occurred in the past.

Hattrick

2009-08-07T10:48:00.000-04:00

If you missed Improvapolooza last weekend, it's cool. Honestly, don't worry about it. You're...not hurting my feelings at all. Why would I care if you came to see some of the funniest improvisers in the area perform in 85+ shows over a three day period. I was in three shows as well, so it's not like it was a big deal.

It's just that when you say you're going to do something then you set an expectation. I was all excited to see you and thrill you with laughter. I know I could tickle your feet when we get home and get a similar result but it's not the same. Of course I recorded some shows for you! Do you honestly think I didn't want to tell the entire internet at a later date/time? Oh you know me too well. Hot chocolate! You shouldn't have you thoughtful individual. Friends? ::secret handshake::

DMG: My Favorite Things

I want Sarah to write more poetry about playground slides.

Mythical Newsroom

News Chopper One gives this two thumbs WAY up!

Two Men in a Tub

Turn down the lights and get out some scented candles.

Improvapolooza was a great experience. I got to see a bunch of friends, meet some new ones, and also perform with new people. Thursday night with Aparna and Jake was a ton of fun and I feel like we could have continued going with our format of improv mixed with standup comedy. Saturday was the above show with DMG, which was oodles of fun and energy. Saturday night I performed in a show called Backstage and I was actually nervous to perform with a group of extremely talented people. I haven't been nervous in a while. Thanks for grounding me in reality!

My lofty goal for next year is to be in 6+ shows over the three day span.

Motion

2009-07-30T10:35:00.000-04:00

Finally! Finally, everything is out of the old apartment and into the new place. It took a full week to box up all of our crap, bribe friends with pizza, and move a piano. Moving wasn't always a pain in the ass. At some point in my life I remember moving being an awesome experience. (Probably because I was young and not moving any boxes/furniture.)

When I was eleven years old, my mom and step dad decided to upgrade from our townhouse to a single family home. They were even kind enough to bring my sister and me along for the ride. We traded a neighborhood full of Pennsylvania's best elderly folk for a new development that was bursting with kids my age, bike trails, and late night games of capture the flag. It was a sommersault of a good time.

I made another exciting move eight years later when I left for college. I was completely caught up the excitement of academia, freedom, and my pie-slice shaped room in Tower A, to really notice the move or anything outside my bubble. I had nothing more than a computer (with a huge honking CRT monitor), a couple drawers worth of clothes, and a shower caddy to hold my essentials. Aside from the basic college staples you obtain during your first year (a la - books, free t-shirts from the "quad," and a thousand punk rock band posters) I successfully departed eight months later in my moms car, which had been the original vessel that carried all of my "stuff" across the state. It wasn't until I moved off campus, my junior year, that my stuff began to accumulate.

I've always wanted to subscribe to the Fight Club methodology of having "things." I never wanted my possessions to own me but six plus years later, my stuff is certainly winning the battle. I've dreamed about downsizing my life and having the ability to consolidate everything into a handkerchief tied to the end of a stick and then stowing away on a train to visit new and exciting locations.

Moving off campus was the first time I had thoughts and questions regarding where to sit, sleep, and study in my apartment. Ultimately, after two years of school the following inquiry trumped my previous thoughts and questions, "where do I store all my books, shot glasses, and pictures of friends?" (All I really needed was a bookshelf, right?) At the time, my roommate realized that he was asking himself the very same intial questions that I had but he didn't want any of the financial responsiblity involved in remedying the problem.

So, I bought "stuff" and ever since then I've gotten more stuff. In the ten years since I left the coddled environment of my mom's house, I've moved 8 times with all of this stuff. My second to last move also involved merging my stuff with my wife's stuff to make "ultra unnecessary stuff." At one point we had two separate desks, each containing a collection of rubberbands. I very coyly asked if we could "merge our rubberband armies." My wife simply smiled and gave me the "you-are-so-cute-when-you-speak" face.

Our rubberband armies have yet to socialize.

I should also point out that several moves have involved my father and he's a real "gem" to deal with on such occasions. He does impressions of characters from SouthPark, uses creative vulgarity, and continually asks for a wash cloth to wipe is brow.

Case in point: after completing 90% of a move into a new apartment, my dad demands that I retrieve the coffee maker from the old apartment, so he could regale us with a professional demonstration on how to make the perfect cup of coffee. At the time my dad was carrying around his own distilled water, he would mix equal parts French Vanilla grounds with Hazelnut, and then completely negate the taste of both by adding a Toffee Mocha Cinnamon Bun creamer.

With the exception of this dickery, I've never wanted to punch him in the face. He's a good guy but this was too much and I had reached my limit. I exploded at him and then felt guilty, so I went over to the old apartment to procure said "thing."

Lesson learned: Moving rips families apart.

Improvapalooza

2009-07-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

The above blog title isn't a made up word. It's a real event. For serious! This weeks is "kind of a big deal" for DC/MD/VA area improvisers and I'm bursting with happiness/excitement/internal organ to be involved. (Honestly, even if I was getting people soda/coffee I'd probably still be just as excited but I'm NOT! ::raspberries::)

The entire event will be 100% pure Vermont Maple Awesome. Gwen Steffani can't even spell out loud how B-A-N-A-N-A-S this event will be.

More info on WIT's Improvapalooza 2009!

I'll be in the following shows (times are rough over exaggerations):

1. Thursday - 8:45pm "Whose Punchline is it Anyway?" w/ Aparna Nancherla, Hampton Yount, and Jake Young,

2. Saturday - 3:20pm "DMG: My Favorite Things!" w/ Archie Coobs, and Sarah Winston (Alaina & Jamie are MIA),

3. Saturday - 11:30pm "Backstage" w/ a bunch of other awesome people!

You should come out! Totally. This show is the Titanic of Awesome and we're about to hit an iceberg full of laughter. I'll even sing the Celine Dion song to you.

Q & A portion:

Q: "Why haven't you been posting much lately?"

A: I thought these questions were related to Improvapalooza?

Q: "Yeah, but inquiring minds (don't) care."

A: I've been moving into a new apartment. It's a horrible process but I've had some awesome friends and a super sweet wife help out. Thanks again Brandi, Josh, Lyle, Alex, Archie and Kim!

Q: "I heard a vicious rumor that you have some videos to post."

A: This is why I can't do Q&A with myself. Yes, I've got some videos of the last couple weeks, with music and some silly stuff. It's not a big thing, so don't make a big deal out of it. I love that I told TRich I'd put this stuff up two weeks ago and he retorted, "no, you won't." He knows me...like in a Shakespearean sense. I wish I could coin the phrase, "don't bet on white(y)." Don't bet on me posting anything, anytime soon since I don't have Internet until Friday. Even though, they'll probably never see the light of your monitor.

Q: "If you don't have Internet, how're you posting this now?"

A: I wish I could say that I was tethering my phone to my laptop but thanks to AT&T, that won't happen anytime soon. Maybe I should send you a "picture message" of how sad this makes me but, oh wait, AT&T won't let me do that either. PHONE FAIL.

See you this weekend!

Impurvious

2009-07-14T13:27:00.000-04:00

I want to take a hawt second and highlight an individual that is leaving the DC area for NYC. The individual in question is the one and only Justin Purvis. Justin taught my first WIT class back in early 2008 and really welcomed everyone into the WIT fold. I was particularly distraught with work at the time and Justin's class acted as my weekly opportunity to relax and perform. (See how this was all about Justin and then I made it all about me? I'm like the Tyra Banks of blogging.) Justin listened to us, supported us, and brought us tons of snacks each week.

It wasn't until the class showcase that I would witness the screaming personna that lie dormant. Justin's stage energy is amazing and complimented by his ability to scream and yell! He smokes too, so it defies logic, that this man would have the lung capacity for such a task. Incredible, I say! You may have seen him hosting aforementioned showcases for students, the annual FIST competition, and performing with Season Six, Caveat, and multiple other troupes!

Once I was near the entrance of the Flashpoint theatre and I heard a noise that could only be described as "the thunderous boom of Thor's mighty hammer," and I knew instantly that Justin was on stage. It's uncanny, but not like the X-Men. The following was snapped up at his going away party.

Just wait until 00:23. Srsly!

After watching this video you might be wondering to yourself, "is he dressed like a pirate version of Hulk Hogan?" The party was hosted by Piratz Tavern in Silver Spring, MD. Aside from the "z" to indicate more than one pirate, they really mean swashbuckling business! Proof you say?

The guy at 00:17 says it all and I don't even think he works there!

The evening wouldn't be complete though without some karaoke on the way home.

Tara and Alaina were the original *NSYNC!

Thank you for everything Justin and I wish you the best of luck and congrats on finding a woman who owns a bar/comedy performance space. (We're all jealous) DC is losing an incredible performer and I hope to see you in NYC!

Vanity

2009-06-30T17:50:00.001-04:00

"There are a lot of vanity plates in Virginia." - Brad Benson. FACT. I've seen a ton of vanity license plates in VA since I transplanted. They amaze and delight me. At my own personal safety I have captured my favorites that I'd like to share with you.

Get it? AMIRITE? How clever! The car is own by a Realtor and a real ass.

I don't even know that this means! Is the person referencing Flyger, South Dakota or a Fly + Tiger hybrid ? Either way, I'm still not upset that I keyed his car. (kidding)

What is this? It doesn't even make sense! I feel like the phrase "overboard with these stupid plates" needs to be appended at the end of this one.

I'll tell you what wasn't a GR8 IDEA. Look above.

Fun fact: This guys car horn made dolphin sounds. Precious!

There are a few that I was barely able to catch, due to factors beyond my control. (e.g. -I was driving) The quality isn't fantastic but let's explore!

This vanity pl(h)ate reads: "WHRLWND." I read this and then throw up in my lap.

This one is simply my fav: "Y HATE." It's a question I ask myself daily.

Feel free to add a caption of your own!

Summit

2009-06-26T14:02:00.000-04:00

Every time I go camping in the Grand Canyon, I always neglect to bring really warm sleep gear. This is really a novice mistake but one that I make each year and something that I repeated again last month. I did bring a small blanket but unfortunately it wasn't enough and I still woke up in the middle of the night freezing. I've finally learned my lesson and next year I'm going to bring a snowsuit. If you've ever been awoken from your slumber because you're body was attempting to say, "I effing told you so," then you understand my pain.

The second day of hiking dragged like a slow day at work. Despiting having all that time on the Escalante route, in retrospect, only one of two distinct moments stick out in my mind. Thankfully, I had my flip cam with me to record some of the incredible views.

I ate an obnoxious amount of beef jerky on this trip.

The Escalante route was completely uncharted territory for us, since Chris had hiked the Tanner and New Hance trails before. I was excited to have the day broken up by the three obstacles but much to my chargin, all three were lumped together at the end of the day. By the time we started the obstacles, I had already smashed my right big toe into a rock and I became increasing frustrated with the pain and possiblity of loosing a toenail. This is an irrational and unfounded fear of mine.

I lazily climbed down the first obstacle, a dry waterfall, like a child riding down carpeted stairs. The second obstacle was a bit more destinct and we all optioned to hoist our packs up using a rope that Chris has brought.

After this, Michelle carried me to the top.

When Chris explained the route(s) we'd be taking for this trip he also mentioned that we would probably not see any other hikers/campers on this trip. We saw a lot of people at the bottom of Tanner because it's a popular camping site but strangely enough two random people wandered into our camp at the end of the second day. The first was a guy wearing unrealistically short shorts. I'm not kidding, it's was almost cartoonish. Thankfully Chris talked with him for about ten minutes and then commented, "I was fine as long as I looked at him from the waist up."

The second campsite guest was a young guy in search of masking tape. He showed us how the leather shoe had split from the rubber sole of his boot. Chris offered him in some tape and as the stranger wrapped a modest amount around his water bottle, I couldn't help but think that his guy was going to kidnap us all up in the middle of the night using this tape to restrain us. I'm a real trusting and optimistic person. Honest.

The Mountain Meals that you see are actually really delicious!

I won't go into much detail regarding the third day other than to say it was very difficult. Also, the elevation and physical conditioning finally got to me and at one point I said something to which Chris responded, "You know it's not a Grand Canyon hike unless someone says that this is their last time here." The amazing thing that was different from previous years, the next morning I wasn't sore at all. That felt pretty good. Enjoy some of my favorite pictures from the trip.

Apex

2009-06-18T10:09:00.000-04:00

In January of this year , muddled inbetween my post holiday glaze and travel, I received an invitation. This invitation came in the form of a phone call from Phoenix, AZ with a familiar voice on the end. "My December hike with Michelle was canceled due to the weather, so I can get those same permits for Memorial Day weekend. Interested?" to summerize the conversation with Chris. After rocking out on the Havasupai hike the previous year, I was very excited for a new challenge, but this invitation came with a stern warning that followed the damn rule of three. On the second day of the hike, I was briefed on the following three obstacles:

Climb down a dry waterfall,
A ~35 foot solo climb,
A gully that we'll need to climb down very slowly due to loose rocks.

About two months before the trip, I had pretty much remained a sloth-like-piece-'o-crap in term of preparation. That was until after a conversation with Chris when he gave me the names of the trails we'd be hiking and recomnended that I check them out on the National Park Service (NPS) website. The following links are to the NPS fact sheets, which contain some cool history and a detailed description of each trail/route. Day 1 the Tanner trail [pdf], day 2 the Escalante route [pdf], and day 3 theNew Hance trail [pdf]. Even if you don't care (it's alright, you're not hurting my feelings) I'll sum it up with a quick description from the Tanner trail fact sheet - "The [Tanner] trail is unmaintained and ranks as one of the most difficult and demanding south side trails."

Let's just jump ahead to the end of the hike.

All I wanted was a shower.

Day 1 recap - We got to the trail head between 8am- 9am. This was unusual for our group since in previous years we had left Phoenix between midnight and 2am, to arrive at the trail head before dawn. Leaving earlier ensures a few decent hours of hiking before the sun is directly overhead and we begin to roast. There were five of us total - myself, Chris, Michelle (Chris's sister), Elisha (friend from high school), and Philip. We took two cars and had to leave them at different areas within Grand Canyon National Park because the end of the hike would be about 5+ miles from the trail head at Lispon Point. I drove with Michelle and Elisha and I remember us asking the question, "Chris wouldn't throw us into a situation (this hike) thinking that we'd be unable to complete it, right?"

Wrong. Chris is a nostorious ass for doing stuff just like that. He would definitely put all of us in a situation where we had to push ourselves past our normal breaking point in order to finish. Regardless, we were all pretty excited as we began the trip.

We seriously sang Soul II Soul the entire hike.

Hiking down into the canyon really does a number on your knees and calf muscles. I moved pretty slowly for the first couple of miles because in some parts it felt like we were going straight down. I pysched myself out and got nervous. It didn't help that I was nursing a weak ankle while trying to adjust to the weight on my back. All of the trails we were hiking are unmaintained, which means that you have to look for stones stacked ontop of each other that serve as trail markers. You can hike for a decent amount of time without seeming a single marker and we ran into some problems as our group began to separate from one another. Observe:

Previously on... (if you got that reference then High 5)

A majority of the hike we had sufficient tree coverage to prevent direct sun light. Towards the middle of the hike we had some help with cloud cover as it started raining. Eventually the sun came out as we walked into an area called the Furance Flats, which is as hot as it sounds. Ten miles from the trail head we arrived at the Colorado river but instead of camping we decided to take a short break and then hike a few miles into the Escalante Route in order to give us more time on the second day. I felt good after the first ten miles but the additional 2 to 3 on Escalante put me in a bad mood as my joints felt stiff and achy. I collapsed as soon as we setup camp for the night.

Tradition

2009-06-01T17:25:00.000-04:00

For the past two years, I've thumbed my nose at the idea of a three day weekend, spending time with family, and drunken barbecue escapades with friends, in the name of adventure. For the past three years, I've hiked different parts of the Grand Canyon over Memorial Day weekend. I'm unable to pin point where this desire began but it's a safe bet that it all started with Chris Wolf.

I've known Chris since I was two years old and after graduating high school, Chris attended the prestigious Culinary Institute of America to become a chef. After graduating, he worked in St. Michaels, MD for a while before making the trip to Arizona where he would take up permanent residence. Every year Chris has invited me to join him over the long weekend in order to catch up and hike different parts of the south rim of the Canyon.

There was definitely something about this urban sprawl named Phoenix that I initially found enticing. As my plane landed on July 4th, 2007 a few minutes past sunset, I was able to view several different fireworks displays that seemed to welcome me to my impending doom.

Let's take a quick Grand Canyon hike overview of the past two years:

1. Year One- I was really naive and only trained a little. I was a pretty sad physical specimen and around the 5 miles mark of our 12 mile hike is when a blister popped in my boot. I had had enough of this hiking bullshit and I was ready to be done. I was extremely frustrated and Chris basically had to drag me out of the Canyon. I fell asleep, exhausted, at a rest stop called Indian Gardens, and a squirrel put its nose in my ear.

Trails Hiked - South Kaibab trail to the Tonto trail to the Bright Angel trail.

2. Year Two -I was much more prepared for this hike both mentally and physically. My wife, Nancy Drew, joined for not just a hike but a three day camping trip. It was about 24 miles total but we'd only be hiking on the first and third day (there was an opinional second day of hiking that we declined). It happened to be unseasonably cold and if you've ever been awoken in the middle of the night because you were shivering, well, it's not a fun experience. Despite the chilly nights, I'd call this hike a success.

Trails Hiked - Havasu Canyon

I'll be taking a closer look at this years trip this week with some video and pictures.

Toothpaste

2009-05-20T14:20:00.001-04:00

I present the following multiple choice question to you, the reader;

Was my weekend:
A. Incredibly busy,
B. Incredibly fun,
C. Chock Full of Improv,
D. All of the above,
E. All that and a bag of chips.

If you said "E" then I love the fact that you can't let go of 90's slang. Don't go there? Aiight, I get it. I'll stop but next time you don't have to get all up in my grill about it. Geez Louise, I'm not steppin' anymore. Chill out!

I'm getting ready for my annual Memorial day weekend hiking trip. I'll be bringing my FlipCam on the 3 day/30 mile hike through the Grand Canyon, so it'll be like I'm packing you, the loyal reader, in my suitcase. You'll get to experience some (at least an hour or 1 GB worth of space) of the trip, without all the sweating and brutal physical labor. See how generous I am! I'm like Scrooge McDuck but instead of money, I'm giving you an opportunity to watch me make an ass of myself in a national park. Also, I'm not a mcduck.

I also managed to bring my FlipCam to my Washington Improv Theatre (WIT) showcase for my level 2 character class. If you're about to watch the video below, allow me to explain why there are only four people on screen. We originally started the class with ten awesome people. One was on vacation in Europe, one has an internship on the west coast, two people only came to 2 or 3 classes, another person had a prior obligation. We're now at five people left, until one person (MATT) decided that he'd clean his apartment on Sunday afternoon and forgot to show up. I'm now going to give you crap about this forever! Why? Because I care.

This showcase was almost too much fun. Watch in the background as I start laughing at odd times, which instantly equals good times in my book!

Super special thanks to our Guerrilla cameraman, Dave Johnson! Also, he's not a Guerrilla.

Gesundheit

2009-05-13T12:17:00.000-04:00

On my way back to Pennsylvania for mother's day, I decided to roll the window down, turn off the A/C, and enjoy Mother Natures majesty. The eerie silence of route 15 was off-putting at first but as the sun set I began to relax. I quickly realized this serene feeling was the calm before the storm. As I crossed state lines, I was greeted with a sudden change in the 'air.'

I could smell each individual flora that I passed and I hastened to raise my windows. My throat constricted, eyes watered, and I felt like a giant lump of solid mass had replaced the right side of my face. Living in an urban area that was built atop a dried out marsh has spoiled me and much like some teenagers youthful exuberance, I thought that I was invincible. (or Mark Wahlberg in that 2006 movie about the Eagles)

I've been sneezing constantly for the past two days, and I wanted to share this tidbit - When did someone decree it unacceptable to sneeze into your own hand? It's not like I'm sneezing into your hand. Relax. Evidently the consensus is that you should sneeze and/or cough into your inner elbow. This grosses me out because you're essentially sneezing and coughing into your shirt all day. Last time I checked, it was easier to simply wash your hands at work instead of feeling the need to dry clean a dress shirt. Just think of those germs festering in your inner elbow. What's the matter with you?

::Loud Obnoxious Sneeze::

Rx-cuse you!

When I returned back to Virgina on Sunday night the events of Friday evening at the Drafthouse seemed like light years away. The events of Saturday and Sunday were so tightly scripted that failure to execute each step in rapid succession would have delayed me for hours. Standing outside the Drafthouse with TRich seemed like it had occurred months ago though everything was (obviously) still very fresh in my memory. TRich, playing footsie with me while wearing his eggshell/ivory kicks ... good times.

I spend on average of two hours a day in my car. With a five day work week, that's ten hours a week, and possibly 40 hours a month. That's an entire work week that is being consumed by my commute. So, what do the I do during that time?

You guessed it! I take pictures of stupid vanity license plates! Let's check out my recent shots.

It reads ST PADDY, and the vehicle was driven by drunk leprechauns!

It's cool to be a fan but what happens if/when the Patriots win another Super Bowl? They won in 2001, 2003, and 2004, which is a lot of trips to the DMV!

I get it that RYDR means RIDER, as in the horse to the right, but what does the HJ mean?! The possibilities are endless so use your imagination.

Hardwired

2009-05-08T13:38:00.000-04:00

I'm in an improv troupe called DMG. We're performing at the Comedy Spot in the Ballston Common Mall next weekend on March 15 and 16. I'd tell you to get tickets here, but if you wait until next week *gasp* they'll be running a 2 for 1 deal. So just ease up there partner, and another link will be on the way early next week. You can also be our friend on the Book of Faces, and find out when we do other stuff. Word up!

Check out my photoshopped dimples! Thanks Archie.

It's Friday and it's post lunch. This means that you're probably just staring at the clock and waiting for 5pm. I just plugged myself for a show (which won't help you kill any time) but allow me to plug some blogs as my way of helping you round third on your way home.

Before I start, I should mention - go read TRich's history of Atif, Aparna's Urban Dictionary submissions, and Atif's story on why TRich had to write a new biography. Fun stuff. Check out these as well:

Mike Eltringham - I'm constantly entertained by Mike and the fact that he was able to kill Dom DeLouise with a joke (no faking!),
Mark Reiss - Mark is angry. I once saw him scream at a kid for playing Magic the Gathering. He then proceeded to smash his hand with a hammer and wail in pain. Unpredicatble and I digg it,
Joe Welkie - One day Joe will head to the gym and start pumping iron (as they say) but until then he looks like the product of Skeletor and the guy from Stephen King's Thinner, but with more estrogen,
Tara Maher - When Tara explained to me the name of her blog, I got down on one knee and proposed. She didn't accept because I couldn't stop laughing at the fact that she named her laptop Keanu,
Michael Foody - I think the sub title of his blog says it all, "I BLOG LIKE A MAN." Nuff said,
Matt Barron - Matt is the only out-of-towner and writes about his life as a 20 something in San Francisco. I'm bias since he's my brother^2.

That's it for me. Play me off, Keyboard cat!

Shawty-Ate

2009-05-06T15:07:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I participated in the 48 Hour Film Project (48). I found out about the project when I started taking WIT classes and discovered their annual participation. I watched WIT's videos and fell in love (just figuratively, otherwise that would be weird to "love" something on the internet, right?). It turns out that DC is one of the premiere 48 spots with around 110 teams participating in the event this year. I've been looking forward to getting involved with all of the 48 weekend shenanigans, so where did it all go wrong?

Friday night I went to meet a one team that I was referred to by a friend from improv. I showed up with snacks and listened to the current ideas being kicked around for a horror style movie. They were going for a relevant news angle by involving the idea of a super flu and how the contagions were passed within a small confined area. The big reveal is you when you find out where the location and how it'll further propagate the spread. I like horror films where the focus isn't as much on the impending doom or creature but rather the relationships between characters with some slight commentary on society. (Go re-watch Night of the Living Dead - the main conflict isn't between man and zombie. The real conflict occurs within the farm house.)

The writing efforts were initially led by a publish local writer who was really cool and open to suggestions. The climate of our group changed with the introduction of an (self proclaimed) established tv writer, who refused to do verbal yoga with the group. His rigor mortis mentality took the group in a different direction with an idea that was almost identical to the Omen. I love the Omen but that means we'd be shooting all day with a five year old kid, which gives off stale fumes of disaster. I amicably parted ways with this group to seek out either an opportunity to write and/or get in front of the camera.

I was referred to another 48 team that had pulled Science Fiction as their genre and they were very excited to do a story about time travel. I spoke with the director on my way home and I was excited to get started the following morning. The story was explained to me as , "Rob is going to go back in time and 'doink' a dinosaur." Doink is obviously synonymous with the phrase, "make tender and consensual love with a partner of legal age who possesses full mental facilities."

SOLD! But srsly, it involved a team of researchers loosing a softball game and using time travel to fix their loser status. The twist is that when we go back in time, we don't actually solve or fix a single thing. We're then forced to live with the humorous consequences of our actions.

Sunday night is when the bad news hammer came following down. Long story short; some technical and story continuity problems held up the completion of the film. Instead of submitting something half-assed, the director made the decision to pull the plug. I can understand and respect his decision. It's hard to walk away but sometimes it's for the best.

Personal note:
I was really excited to capture the weekend on my FlipCam and then edit/post the videos, thus gifting myself a lazy blogging week. I still have the videos and if I watch them again this evening, maybe I'll post a few. It'll be pretty redundant since a lot of it describes what you've just read, but it's me, in a car, driving, with my excitable right arm extended, and paw clutching the cam.

Weekend Recap:

Ditched one group for another group,
I traveled back in time to save a cup of coffee,
And I met a bunch of awesome new people!

Here's a 48 submission from the group that I shot with on Saturday:

I'm going to go on record and say that this weekend was a great time and hopefully I'll have the opportunity to do it again. Off the record; it'd be cool to have something to show to TRich, Atif, and anyone else who happens to stop in for tea and biscuits.

Request

2009-04-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

Last week TRich inquired whether or not I would be at the Drafthouse on Saturday night. How can I turn him down? Oh no, it's not as easy as just saying that you're unavailable that evening. There needs to be a justification and a damn good one!

Let's say the conversation hypothetically went as follows: "Hey TRich, I've got a 'thing' and I just can't make it." This would be followed by the sound of an asphalt palm slapping the whitest ginger face around. TRich doesn't take 'no" for an answer. Trust me.

I saw this rare bird of prey out-and-about on Saturday night and I had to capture the moment so I could share it with the internet.

Who is that mysterious beast at the bar?

Zooming in for a closer look!

"Clever girl." - Robert Muldoon

Didn't you know they hunt in packs? For shame!

Celebrate

2009-04-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

I was recently invited to join the long form improv troupe Donna Martin Graduates (DMG). I've been practicing with them for a couple weeks and they just offered me a spot. I'm not going to lie; I'm pretty excited! We have a show coming up May 15 and 16, so maybe you'll wanna check it out and bring 34 of your friends? Cool. See you then! (more details to follow)

Jason Presley just throwing his entire HS (acting) career down the drain!

Other cool news? Atif Myers opened for SNL alumn Tim Meadows. You can read all about his adventure in insecurity (don't worry the story has a happy ending, unlike Marley and Me. Hint:the dog dies.) I couldn't be at the show myself but photoshopp'd this picture instead.

I'm also excited to see what Tyler Richardson has in the "works," and by works I mean his upcoming surgery. I'm really pulling for you man and hopefully we can do a 5K to raise money for the cause. I spoke with Tyler the other day and despite being awkwardly emotional I think he's doing well. At one point he broke down and sobbed. I can't blame him. So young and so much talent. What a shame but maybe this will put you in a good mood.

Lunch Room Fewd Fight!

Weekender

2009-04-22T11:13:00.001-04:00

I was in Pittsburgh this past weekend for the 70th Anniversary of the Heinz Chapel Choir. Nancy Drew sang with them in college and we regularly go back to Pittsburgh for holiday concerts and events. Pittsburgh is a great place to visit but more importantly, the cost of living is dirty south cheap. I bought a rounds of drinks for four people (bragging) and it cost eleven smackers! Small financial things like that just blow my mind as I've grown accustomed to paying around eight bones per drink in DC, which is a decent amount of simoleons!

Here are some picture highlights:

This is where Nancy Drew sang throughout college!

An example of an unappealing appetizer fail. (If you haven't found it, keep looking)

Cue the Wookie vs. Dave fight montage! Go Go GO!

They started out as BFF's.

An unrequited love story between man and beast.

Trouble in iParadise.

Dave! Don't you know that a Wookie will pull your arm out of socket?

Standard action shot!

Oh noes! Have the tides turned? Is the Wookie choking?

It turns that Wookies are really just Che Guevara.

The final shot is of a guy that works at a pizza shop on Craig Street. I love this pizza place and I used to frequent it a lot when I was living and working in the area. The guy pictured never does any work and on occasion I've caught him sleeping while the one other employee begrudgingly rings up my order.

Just straight up nappin'! (I'm jealous)

Annoying

2009-04-17T11:23:00.000-04:00

Pssst. Hey you! Pssssssst! Seriously. It's Friday, right? What are you doing? Probably trying to coast into the weekend without doing much. It's cool and I won't tell. Watching some youtube videos I see. Sweet. What are ya watching? That's some pretty sick stuff dude!

Now go tell all of your friends! Thanks and I knew that I could rely on you.

Return

2009-04-16T13:16:00.000-04:00

Warning: Nerd and Bias comments ahead alert!

There are a lot of television shows that I'd like to have canceled. Certain shows like Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, which simply use a hospital setting as a filter for 40 year old doctors to have copious amounts of failed relationships. Audiences really seem to respond well to hot doctors, lab coats, scalpels, and life or death decisions. But you've really jumped the shark when you have a ghost as a "partner." I'm not talking wild wild west, though Will Smith's movie is marginally better than both shows combined.

Two shows that are at risk of being canceled; Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles (TSCC) and Dollhouse. It seems odd to cancel TSCC when two new feature films in the works and Terminator Salvation is being released next month. You'd think that would solidify some cross promotional deal, but that doesn't seem like the case. Then again, maybe not!
(It's really funny to read that 90210's Brian Austin Green knows about String theory)

If you missed the cliffhanger season finale of TSCC, I'm going to spoil it for you right now. At the very end, John Connor jumps ahead in time to a future where man is fighting back against the Terminators. As a result of his time travel, Connor finds out that no one has ever heard of him because he wasn't around to lead the resistance movement. John Connor has been the cornerstone of this entire franchise! I had a moment where I said out loud, "what do you mean you've never heard of John Connnor!?" I love the Terminator franchise (even T3 to some lesser extent) and this just blew my mind. It may seem minor to you but it was unique and successfully upped the ante for a great season three.

Dollhouse is the product of Joss Whedon (Buffy and Firefly) where people can have their minds erased and the reprogrammed to do anything. It's a great sci-fi idea and they set the show in what seems like present day, which helps to ground the show in reality. I'll admit that the Dollhouse pilot was really bad. It's a case of a great idea, poor dialogue, and poor execution. Only recently has the execution been spot on and the story has become captivating. (The dialogue is still really poor sometimes) It's finally developing into a mature show and now it might not get a second season.

You might be asking the question, "Why do you care so much?" I care because I enjoy maybe three or four television shows; Lost and Fringe in addition to the two shows above. I don't watch a lot of tv but when I do, I really try to commit to it. I had my doubts with Dollhouse and each week I told myself I was breaking up with the show but my stubbornness paid off. Obviously, I lean heavily towards science fiction, but you were warned with the nerd alert above.

There are two lessons to be learned:

Always write with an end in mind - This makes for a much richer, mature, and thought-out story. It assists with plot direction and allows you to see and address problems in "the big picture" sooner rather than later. If a great story can be told in six episodes, then only write six episodes. It's daunting to watch a show when you, the audience, feel that a particular episode has only been introduced because the writers were contracted for a specfic number of episodes. I really enjoy BBC television shows because of the shorter seasons, government funding, and lessened censorship. (Go watch the BBC's Coupling and then watch Friends. What circumstances and events feel more real to life? Granted, both are sitcoms.) Without the foresight to fully grow an idea and address immediate concerns, you end up introducing cheap plot devices in order to wrap up a season.
Never work with the Fox network - They've had such a great track record with canceling amazing shows like Arrested Development, The O.C., Dark Angel, Sliders, Millennium, Firefly, and Futurama. I can't imagine signing a deal with Fox and feeling a single shred of confidence that you're "baby" will have the opportunity to grow. But don't take my word for it.

Logical thought progression for today - Terminator:TSCC > the original Terminator movie > "I'll be back." Arnold Schwarzenegger > Backspace key > My keyboard > the Enter key which is sometimes called the Return key > Return > blog title. I'm sure you don't care but this is how I logically link thoughts together in my brain while driving to work.

Complex

2009-04-09T12:04:00.001-04:00

I found this press release today.

"STAPLES® UNVEILS NEW WASN'T EASY BUTTON™ HUMOR;
Strategic initiative to broaden audience,
RAMINGHAM, Mass., April 8, 2009 (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Staples, Inc. (Nasdaq: SPLS), the world's largest office products company, today announced a new addition to the Easy Button™ Humor line with the Wasn't Easy Button™. Following the success of the 2005 television campaign featuring the 'Easy Button', it was turned into a real product (available in English "easy", French "simple", and Spanish "fácil").
"We're excited to expand upon our Easy Button™ line with this new addition," said Shira Goodman, Executive Vice President of Marketing. "The Easy Button™ has been an office novelty for going on four years now and we're very proud of its continued success. We always understood the irony in producing the Easy Button™ and by expanding the line we hope to appeal to consumers who actually have difficult jobs."
Prototypes of the Wasn't Easty Button™ were released to the medical staff at the Columbia University Medical Center. "I'm looking forward to the final product," said neurosurgeon Jeffery N. Bruce, M.D. who works in the Department of Neurological Surgery. "It was great to have something to use in retaliation to my secretary, Julie. She's in constant need to positive reinforcement throughout the day, which isn't necessary. I was just in surgery for eighteen hours removing a tumor and all she did was file paperwork. I was in a man's brain! In the meantime, I hope she doesn't break a nail patting herself on the back."
Future Research and Development:
Two additional Easy Button™ prototypes are expected to be released in 2009. The first will be marketed towards urban consumers and titled the Ain't Easy Button™. The second will be marketed towards historians and titled the T'wasn't Easy M'Lord Button™.
John Williams from the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair commented on the later Button™ by saying, "It will be enjoyable to commend thee of thy difficult task performed once a fortnight. Huzzah!"

Pricing & Availability:
The Wasn't Easy Button line will be available in all Staples locations beginning 8 April 2009 for $4.99 each. The Staples Foundation for Learning™ will donate proceeds of this product, up to $1 million, to Boys & Girls Club of America. For more information and availability, go to http://www.staples.com.
About Staples

Staples, the world's largest office products company, is committed to making it easy for customers to buy a wide range of office products,including supplies, technology, furniture, and business services. With 2008 sales of $23 billion and 91,000 associates worldwide, Staples serves businesses of all sizes and consumers in 27 countries throughout North and South America, Europe, Asia and Australia. In July 2008, Staples acquired Corporate Express, one of the world's leading suppliers of office products to businesses and institutions. Staples invented the office superstore concept in 1986 and is headquartered outside Boston. More information about Staples (Nasdaq: SPLS) is available at www.staples.com.
I love it and I'm going to pre-order three!

Bait

2009-04-02T13:42:00.000-04:00

I love the Sci Fi network. They make the worst tv movies but I can't stop watching them. The acting is terrible, the CGI is a joke, and the concepts just blow my mind. What did I watch last weekend? Spring Break Shark Attack.

You would expect sharks. Angry, pissed off, and singing sharks. All the damn time. In actuality there were only a handful of scenes with sharks. The following is a list of the other topics that they covered in the movie:

How to deal with your parents when you disobey their request to not attend Spring Break this year,
Manage two dewds that both want to date you,
The effects of flunitrazepam when you put it in a girls drink.

You can watch the entire thing on youtube if you're bored but allow me to give you the only ten minutes clip that you'll need to watch. Cue the high pressure under-water canons that shoot blood into the air!

The chum hits the water around 2:45!

Nancy Drew and I went to a seminar on Saturday on "how to buy a house." We're starting to grow out of our modest apartment and I honestly have no idea how any of the home finance stuff works. I watch CNN in the morning and when all of the predatory lending crap hit the fan, I thought, "Wow, I should probably know more about this stuff." I grow tired of Kiran Chetry belittling me with her knowledge of the housing market and then segueing to that jerk, Ali Velshi.

Regardless of my ignorance in the matter, buying a house is a mystery that Nancy and I wanted to solve. After an hour, of this seminar we both grew restless. I didn't want to learn a new set of acronyms and I only like getting up early on a Saturday if it involves bacon, eggs, and Frank's Red Hawt.

I know enough to understand that an Adjustable Rate Mortgage (ARM) can be bad news bears. But in order to get a fixed rate mortgage through the company hosting the seminar you needed to make a 20% deposit on the home and also have a 720 credit score in order to get the loan. Plus, you have to show them that you have two months worth of liquid $$ to pay the damn mortgage. Also, did you know that you also need to pay a ridiculous amount in closing fees? It's like their way of saying, "Oh yeah, we know you just robbed another bank to pay this outrageous deposit, but now we need another $1,500. eff you!"

I stopped listening at this point and drew dinosaurs in the margin of my legal pad. Make your own predatory lending joke, I'm too tired and jaded.

I was watching the show "Plastic Surgery: Before and After" on the Discovery Health Channel (DHC) over the weekend. They had a woman who had one misshapen breast. She had gone through several surgeries and each time she thought she was in the clear. Unfortunately the problem returned with a vengeance to spit in the face of science, plastic, and surgery.

So, DHC sends her to a pro in these matters and the doctor says on camera, "hmm, that's a large droopy breast." That's evidently medical jargon. As he says this, you can see the woman's eyes well-up with tears. This woman has lived with this problem since she was a teenager, and now this MD jerk feels that needs to "tell it like it is" on television. Bravo to you Dr. Feel-notso-Good! ::slow clap::

The actual problem/condition is called macromastia.

I was having a torrid brain affair with books last year. This year? Not so much. I've reverted to 14 year old SPE and I've been reading comic books like crazy. If you're looking for a good story (w/ pix) check out the following:

100 Bullets (Gritty stories about revenge and making decisions),
The Walking Dead (Awesome zombie story),
Y: The Last Man (Brian K. Vaughn, the writer, now pens for the tv show Lost).

I'll be at the Uptown Tavern, in the Woodly Park area, tomorrow night around 9pm. Stop by for some laughs. It'll be a good time. Would this face lie to you?

Junk

2009-03-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

Sunday afternoon was spent traipsing through the land of nostalgia with Nancy Drew, Matt, and Alex. After breakfast in Georgetown we wandered into a nearby open air market on Wisconsin Ave. This place was a treasure trove of old cameras/camcorders and haunting portraits of JFK. I need to recapture the magic this weekend in order to pick up Steve Martin's "Let's get small" on vinyl and maybe a comic book from the 60's.

You know the old saying, "One person's junk is another's blog post." That's dumbest thing that I have ever written. Here are a bunch of pictures that I snapped while dodging eye contact with merchants.

This book is all about lumberjacks, heaping stacks of pancakes, and the tender caress of a woman in frontier America. Mainly the emphasis is on the pancakes. (Hash browns cost extra)

Their idea of the "future" was robots performing human tasks like vacuuming and drinking. Crazy!

I can't wait until these come back in style. I bought both just to be safe!

What a good deal! The entire box was only $61.1 billion. I hope I get the Aircraft Carrier hologram card. ::crosses fingers::

When you garnish domestic abuse with the French language it softens the blow.

"This is an investment! I don't play with dolls. I am a collector." Over heard by a dewd in his 40's. I believe him.

I was disappointed at the lack of mini-license plates with my name on them.

I'm amazed that it still worked. I'm even more amazed that it doubled as an accordion.

I deposit money in this for my 401K(idding). I'm a financial wiz-kid!

I bought this after the guy assured me I could upload the videos directly to youtube. Look for that coming soon!

Finally, the following is a picture just for TRich, so everyone else either close your eyes or throw your laptop or personal computer against the wall. No peaking! TRich - what you don't see is that to the right there is a giant PB&J sandwich. I know how you love white bread and a good PB&J sandwich.

Speechless

2009-03-18T12:45:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday I awoke to find that I had mysteriously left my voice at a social gathering the previous evening. I wasn't belting out Radiohead's "Creep" while playing Rock Band and yet my voice was still MIA. To make matters worse, I was having dinner with a group of people that evening that I had never met before, and the following day I had a WIT improv graduation showcase. Cue the "Macaulay-Culkin-from-Home-Alone" face!

As I'm writing this, the entire story now sounds like the plot of shitty network sitcom. Suffice it to (not)say, I was the eager, over-nodding, wide-eyed, douche of the dinner. It's really painful to sit across the table from a stranger and not have the power to make even trivial conversation. I would have been grateful for the ability to mindlessly chat about their careers for 90 minutes, in true DC fashion. It actually wasn't terrible to just sit and listen to others. In hindsight, loosing my voice was probably for the best since conversations with me seems to have a shelf life of about five to ten minutes.

In the future, you'll be able to "mute" me. Yay, technology!

My friend JoDean deployed this past weekend to one of the "-Stans" overseas. It stinks that he had to leave but in his absence I get to babysit his Xbox 360. I know that Josh doesn't intentionally schedule these trips around major video game releases but I'm staring to get mighty suspicious. Last year he left right before Gears of War 2 was released and now he's left again as Resident Evil 5 (RE5) makes its debut.

I want to preface this by saying that I've enjoyed every installment in the RE series to date. I've only completed a few RE games since there seems to be a lot of excitement upfront and then I loose interest after a few hours. I really thought RE4 for the Wii was amazing because the controls made brilliant use of "waggle technology."

I popped in RE5 the other night and despite a wonderful coat of paint and polish for the visuals, I was kind of disappointed with the gameplay. My main complaint is related with the console's controls as I find it slow, inefficient, and difficult when it comes to aiming a tiny crosshair with an analog stick.

Additional nerd complaints:

Inability to walk and shoot a gun at the same time,
Continually stupid zombie AI,
Linear game play that feels like your being herded into a zombie cattle shoot.

I really want to like this game. In a week, I want to redact all of these comments and make a edit to this post that reads, "I was wrong. Zombies on dirt bikes and huge bat creatures are awesome. Again, I was wrong." I'm not giving up. I'm going to begrudgingly trod through zombie infected Africa wearing a mock smile.

Moving on.

I recently found two sites related to DIY camera mounts, filmmaking techniques, and special effects. The first site is called Indy Mogul. Creator Erik Beck does a weekly show on how to achieve budget special fx and guides on how to build a mount for your camera in order to achieve some interesting angles. They have an episode about how to make a realistic zombie bite. Sold!

The second site shows you how to build a steadycam for $14! It's a good read with additional ideas for add-ons and if you don't have the tools to build one yourself, you can purchase a pre-built (some assembly required) kit.

Vindicated

2009-03-11T11:25:00.000-04:00

I saw Watchmen twice this past weekend. I reread the graphic novel last summer in order to pick up a few bits and pieces that I had forgotten. I purposely didn't pick the book back up until after I saw the movie. I thought the movie was a very enjoyable experience but I feel like the general audience being exposed to Watchmen for the first time missed out on the following:

The News Stand - You make an emotional investment in these two characters who inhabit the news stand since they're viewed as concerned citizens that the reader can relate to. The news stand serves as a cross-roads for many of the themes of intolerance and personal understanding/commitment and brings them all together at the climax of the story.
The relationship between Laurie and Sally Juspeczyk - I feel that this mother-daughter relationship was really glossed over in the movie. Sally, the first Silk Spectre, pushes Laurie into crime fighting. The tension between the two made the revelation about Laurie's father much more rewarding to me.
The Black Freighter - I know it's being release later this month but the use of this "story-within-a-story" device is really only effective when it runs parallel to the main story.

I understand that if Zack Snyder had included all of the above, it would have made for an extremely long and complex story, which is exactly what the novel is. Despite my nitpicking, I really enjoyed this adaptation and found a lot of the director's artistic liberties rewarding.

The jump from bristol board to the big screen is often difficult. On the page, you're given a clear view of action and dialogue. You, the reader, control the pacing of the story. Somethings are easier to transition (like the concept of time) in a comic but it does provide the director a framework as they make the story their own.

Should I talk about other graphic novels or manga that are being considered for live action movies? Talk about some (Rudy Ray) Moore, you say? Sure! I'll give some quick summaries, instead of getting into detail, on two other comics that are being considered for a Hollywood makeover.

First, if I was going to give someone a 60 second elevator pitch about the Watchmen I would spout the following:

"The death of a masked hero leads his retired colleagues to investigate the conspiracy behind his murder, while the United States and Russia teeter on the precipice of nuclear war."

That's sounds like a pretty amazing movie idea, huh? I'll take my over-sized check and bid you good day, sir. Without putting the story under a microscope, I think I hit the main points, right? I'm not sure that's going to be so easy for the Akira and Neon Genesis Evangelion live action movies. (No seriously, those are the names.)

Both are epic stories that have been retold in different mediums but never live action. Here's my summary for Akira:

"When gang member Tetsuo is injured during an encounter with a child that possesses psychic powers, the Japanese government finds that Tetsuo may have powers similar to Akira, a boy who initiated World War III 31 years earlier."

Did you read Watchmen? Now imagine if Alan Moore had continued the story for five additional novels, added more characters, and sub-plots. Even then you might not fully grasp all that is Akira. An animated version was released with a streamlined plot and was hailed as "one of the greatest animated films ever made." I have high hopes for this adaptation.

Neon Genesis Evangelion summary:

"A paramilitary organization defends the worlds against Angels by combating them with giant mecha called Evangelions, that can only be piloted by psychologically traumatized fourteen year olds."

The original manga serialization of this story has not been finished to date. When the 26 episode anime concluded it spawned several movies and remakes because fan weren't satisfied with the original ending. The people from the WETA Workshop (Peter Jackson) did some concept art a few years ago that looks amazing. But even with WETA behind this project for the visuals, I'm not sure a story that hasn't even been finished is ready for the big screen.

It's going to take kangaroo jumps for these concepts to reach a wider audience, but I think it's possible and Hollywood (Dole)might make it happen in the future. Regardless of the outcome of both movies, I'm excited to see if the directors will hold true to the original stories or water them down and upset fanboys.

Speaking of original stories - have you heard about Hexagon? Hexagon is a musical satire production where all proceeds benefit local charities. Every year since 1956, this nonprofit has put on Washington’s only all-original revue of its kind – with more than $3.5 million donated to 40-plus organizations in return. It has an all-volunteer membership including the cast, crew, orchestra, front of house, and production team. They even write our own material!

Hexagon 2009: What So Proudly We Bailed will be at The Burke Theatre inside the Naval Heritage Center at The Navy Memorial. The show runs until Saturday, April 4! Go NOW!

Necessity

2009-03-04T13:13:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was pretty laugh intensive with both Maria Bamford and Patton Oswalt in town. I had a chance to see Maria on Friday and she was every bit as crazy and wacky I was hoping for! Plus, Eli Sairs hosted with Aparna Nancherla as the feature act thus making it a hat-trick of laughs. It's weird to see Eli excited and smiling.

Patton Oswalt was fantastic. He operated with the confidence of a well-oiled comedy locomotive. It's interesting to compare his CD "Feelin' Kinda Patton" to his latest works and hear the maturity and growth in his writing and delivery. It was a joy to witness in person.

Joe DeRosa opened and had a wonderfully accurate joke regarding the people of Penn State University. Loved it!

It was the kind of weekend where you realize that you want to write and listen more.

Moving on:
This morning I had the opportunity and joy to observe a domestic agrument in the parking garage of my apartment building. I use the word "observe" because you never want to get involved plus this battle had been underway long before I arrived. The players were pretty standard; a man and a woman. The woman was wailing openly and standing next the man who was attempting to get in his car. He announced that he was "going to be late for work" and promptly got into the drivers seat and started the car. The woman, still sobbing, decided to sit on the trunk of the car, which indictates true love in any culture/language. When the man realized that she wasn't going to move, he decided to vacate the car with a, "Fine! I'll walk to work."

There was no way I could have avoided this hawt mess as my car was in the vicinity. My problem with any story is that I'm always curious to know the outcome. The voyeuristic show started strong but I'm not satisfied with my conclusion. I'm eagerly anticipating more Garage Romance Theatre in the future.

I was shopping at Target the other day (because I'm a high roller) and found a treat in the energy bar aisle. I'll be honest, the name Belly Bar creeps me out a lot. It also begs the questions, "Aren't all bars, belly bars? "

What really gets under my skin is the exaggerated "B" with a navel. I get it! They're pregnant. Stop. Finally, the slogan "BABY NEEDS CHOCOLATE." What kind of Incredible Hulk baby do you have in that belly, ma'am? I'm pretty sure Bruce Banner doesn't want it and would be happy to drive you to a clinic while "Brick" plays on the radio.

Baby needs grammar lessons!

Have you annoyed Charlie Smith yet? Local DC comedian and filmaker Seaton Smith has a new web-series that will be starting in April titled Annoy Charlie Smith Inc. There is a trailer on their site right now that is a much watch! I'm looking forward to this series and there are a few familar faces in the trailer. I'm not doing it justice so go watch it now!

FIST

2009-02-26T12:12:00.000-05:00

The Washington Improv Theatre (WIT) is hosting their annual FIST tournament starting TONIGHT! I've taken two classes with WIT over the past year and I've loved every second. Improv classes are a great way to be silly and relax, plus you meet a ton of cool people in the area.

Press Release:

Washington Improv Theater's
Fighting Improv Smackdown Tournament
Washington's ultimate clash of creativity is returning for its third year with more cut-throat competitors than ever. 40 teams-119 improvisers-will duke it out in a single-elimination bracket tournament where the ultimate prize is artistic glory, the esteem of their colleagues, . and ridiculously tacky trophies. Over five weekends, groups with names like "Renegade Economists," "Friend Request," and "GIMME YOUR WALLET," will vie for the favor of the audience and two judges in hopes of advancing all the way to the title. Each night one team will advance to fight another day while another hangs their heads in defeat.
Feb 26 - March 28 - $10
Thursday @ 8pm
Friday/Saturday @ 8pm, 9:30pm and 11pm
Source
1835 14th St, NW
Washington DC, 20009
Info/Tix: www.washingtonimprovtheater.com or 202-204-7770

From my last post, I discovered this news nugget regarding (re)branding, or in this case maybe un-branding. The orange juice company Tropica rebranded their product only to receive criticism from their vitamin C infused customers. Tropicana listened and will be returning to their famous "orange with a straw in it" logo next month.

I actually thought the new advertisements were confusing. At first I was confused with the seemingly innocent grammar problems within the tag line "it's a natural." It sounds like Super Mario was now endorsing the product. More importantly, for a split second I thought Tropicana was telling you to squeeze a baby for OJ. Not cool Tropicana.

Why squeeze a baby when you can just stick the straw straight into'em?

Hey Reader! Do you enjoy hip-hop? Awesome. Do you also enjoy comic books? Double bonus iFive for you my friend. Enjoy the following music video by Madvillian.

POW! SMASH! HUSTLE & FLOW!

Finally, after my last post I was looking at the geographical information from Google Analytics. I have one person reading that lives in Midlothian, VA. Aside from sounding like a location from a David Gemmell novel, I wanted to say "thank you" to that one southern VA reader. You rawk!

Referral

2009-02-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

Back in Sept, Comic vs. Audience had a great article on web 2.0 site/applications for comedians. From the CvA list, I started using Evernote (really awesome) and recently started playing around with Zhura. I've been a fan of twitter for a few months and it seems like a lot of people have recently jumped on the micro-bloggging-band-wagon. In keeping with the new media theme I wanted to chime in with three additional web applications that I use regularly.

Google Alerts - Tired of Googling yourself at work when you're bored? Wish Google would let you know when the internet was gossiping about you? Google Alerts scours the internet and blogosphere for keywords (i.e. insert your name here) and neatly delivers them to you.
Google Analytics - Receive comprehensive information about your website, just by copying and pasting a tiny bit of code into your site. If you're using a Blogspot account, just go into the Layout, add a new HTML/Javascript gadget, and copy/paste the code in there. It's simple and takes seconds but it helps to visualize your site traffic information. It's interesting to see what keywords lead people to your site, where in the world your readers are located, and what sites direct traffic to your site. (Thanks Atif and Tyler).
Glue - I signed up for Glue last year, right before they decided to close their current site in order to rebuild the entire application from scratch. Bummer. I used it for about 24 hours but it looks like the new version is about to go live soon, maybe this week. Glue allows you to maintain your presence across multiple sites (myspace, facebook, blogger) so you can instead concentrate on your content. Think of it as a publishing nexus. Again, you'll copy and paste a widget into a website. The widget will display your new content or link readers to your site. It also allows mobile publishing for your smart-phone people. Go-ahead and request a free account.

If you have any other recommendations, drop me a comment.

Kiddin'

2009-02-12T01:53:00.000-05:00

I'm a nerd. In this specific instance I'm going to put on my comedy nerd hat. I'll listen to anything no matter how bad I suspect the outcome will be. It doesn't matter. Everyone has the same goal in comedy; laughter. Even if it's someones first time, I want to give them my respect for getting up on stage. We each have our personal tastes when it comes to comedy but lately I've been surprised by the results when I venture out of my comfort zone.

A few weeks ago, I saw the CD above in a Best Buy, picked it up, laughed, put it back down, and left the store. Later on that night, I mentioned that I found a kids comedy album to Hampton and he openly wondered about the material that these kids had recorded.

A week later I was back at Best Buy searching for a Danger Doom album. I passed the same rack where the disc had been located and didn't immediately see it.

"Did someone else really buy this CD?!"

It's not a good thing to frantically flip through the children's music section. When I found the CD I was rewarded with an emotional blend of triumph and disgust. I had to buy it. It IS the "Best Of" Kid Komedy.

The liner notes will tell you that all of these kids are graduates of a six week Kid Komedy Foundation course. All material is written by the kids and also Janet Schultz. Janet has an astericks next to her name that further explains that "while most of the jokes are original, the kid comics use some adapations and 'stock' material of comedians of the Borscht Belt era."

On The Best of Kid Komedy you'll get the following:

1. Jewish stereotype jokes - this CD is border line antisemitic. There is a Jewish kid with a slight lisp that does the worst impression of an old Jewish horse (not kidding),

2. Racial humor pertaining to African American mothers - I couldn't believe this! I mean, what is the deal?,

3. Internet Dating - I LUL-ed! I honestly have on occasion wondered if mice have ever considered taking out personal ads,

4. "My ABC is so XYZ," followed by the audience asking, "How XYZ is it?" - There are like 30 of these jokes throughout the CD. I cracked up every time the parents responded. These kids have mad crowd-work skills,

5. Top Ten-ish Lists - Just like Letterman, these kids trudge through list comedy like "Top 4 Signs your Lunch Lady is a Monster,"

6. Smoking - Even at ten these kids know that those stupid Truth ads are worthless. In the liner notes it also says that this entire album was financed by Philip Morris USA,

7. Pokemon - who didn't see this one coming!

If you're sitting around trying to think of a way to laugh and cringe at the same time and you only have $12; get this CD. It's pretty funny to hear these kids perform comedy at such a young age. Kids that young are usually getting involved in school activities and clubs, learning to play an instrument, and/or playing sports. Activities that build self esteem. Here these young salmon swim upstream against a raging current of popularity and self worth. I tip my proverbial comedy hat to them.

Sidenotes:
Listrani's last night was interesting as always. A lot of comics showed up as well as a decent crowd for disco lights, business plans, and awkward times. There was an 18 year old that I believe got up for his first time last night. This kid sent me into a giggle fit. (not joking) It was good to see Atif and Joe Welkie. The three of us ended up chatting about loosing teeth, farting in clubs, and the rampant racism that haunts Pittsburgh. You know. The usual.

You should go check out Robb Loving's open mic at the Palace of Wonders on Sunday, Feb 15 @ 8pm.

Future thought:
The very funny Aparna will be performing with Maria Bamford at the Arlington Drafthouse, Feb 27 and 28. Get tickets NOW! This will be an amazing evening of laughs. Srsly!

I'll leave with you with some Maria Bamford:

Arrangement

2009-02-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

First, some house keeping issues related to scheduling and the format of this blog. I'm committing to updating weekly on either Monday or Tuesday. In order to keep this space interesting for myself and you, the reader, I've decided to break my posts out into the follow subjects:

1. Humor,
2. Technology (code related),
3. Cooking (video or photo slide-show for a recipe),
4. Potpourri (news, non-sequitur, internet-grab-bag, and apologizes).

Comedy:
Chris Barylick dropped me a message saying that Listrani's in Clarendon is having an open mic on Tuesday and Wednesday. I dropped in last Wednesday and had a good time. It was s small audience but very receptive and a lot of fun. It was good to get back up after a five week hiatus. Sign up at 8pm and it starts around 8:30pm.

I saw improv troupes The Lodge, DMG, and Vic Speedboat on Friday. Very funny show and if you're thinking, "Aw shucks, past tense fun!," then you are in luck as they have another show this Friday! It's at the Comedy Spot in Arlington. They even have a buy one get one free deal, so make it happen people!

I did a set Saturday night at the Arlington Drafthouse. A good chunk of local comics were in attendance and I had a great time. My only regret is that I didn't recorded this set. I want to give a HUGE digital high 5 (iFive) to @acapece and @kenzieswift for not only coming to watch me (again) but for also bringing people to make the Drafthouse a standing room only event! It was really ridiculous.

Fellow comedian Atif Meyers and I started a running joke last month in the tune of "He's so white that..." jokes. I wanted to post a snippet of the conversation since Atif mentioned it a few weeks ago.

He is so white that he probably voted for Ron Paul on a write in ballot,
He is so white that when the movie "White Noise" came out he got an acknowledgment at the end,
He is so white that when he goes to KFC asks if they have a veggie section,
He is so white that he enjoys standing in line at the DMV,
He is so white that Keith Richards wants to snort him.

There are over three pages of these...

Attention: If you're in college and perform comedy then you NEED to check out Rooftop Comedy's college competition. They have three categories; standup, improv, and short film. I'm considering taking a class at a community college just to enter. If you have any questions, you can drop a message to @Paolo over at @RooftopComedy since he's such good people.

Internet:
The Arrested Development movie is a GO? Awesome!

From the the nut-job that tried to sell you the ShamWow:
(just wait for the 0:55 mark):

"You really are gonna love'm!"

I'm not a big fan of reality shows, which is why I watch the Soup. This recent clip from the awful show It's me or the dog was just amazing:

Hopefully when they dropped off Victoria Stilwell at the emergency room, her face matted with dog hair, blood, and cupcake icing, they'll be able to show the triage nurse the exact moment that Stains the dog went all Christian Bale on her.

I'm sorry. That's all I've got for now.

Pachyderm

2009-01-25T23:49:00.000-05:00

I've received some classically awful holiday gifts throughout the years. At an early age I was spoiled with a bounty underneath the tree that spanned as far as my little adorable eyes could see. He-man, Star Wars, and Sectaurs. The best thing about being young is that a little imagination goes a long way in the entertainment department.

As you grow older people start using the phrase, "you're so difficult to buy gifts for!"

Really! Am I? The people who use this phrase are usually your parents and siblings. You live with them. They see you everyday and they still can't come up with anything? I like video games and gadgets and I wear that fact like Mike Tyson wears his face tattoo. If you were to look at a picture of me from high school, you would deduce the follow:
1) He never played sports,
2) He probably collected all 120 stars playing Super Mario Bros. 64,
3) He's probably going to college for something computer related.

When it comes to buying gifts, I just stick to the basics. Women like jewelry and scented stuff. Kids like action figures and board games. The creepy guy on my floor like pictures of me in a bathrobe. And Tyler likes KFC and Taco Bell. It's a pretty simple formula.

Recently I was invited to a White Elephant party with the caveat that you had to bring your worst holiday gift from 2008. I was amazed to find that not one gift I had received this year fit the bill. It sounds like I'm bragging but really I'm at the age where my family doesn't try to surprise me anymore; they simply ask me what I could use. This sparked the thought, "What would be the worst gifts you could give someone?"

1. Armor of God Pajamas - Most parents scare their kids at night with tales of monsters from long ago that have decided to take up residence underneath the bed. Now you can put the fear of the Almightly into your little loved ones as they slumber. Nothing says a good nights sleep like reverence!

They might as well call them "Future Atheist PJs."

2. HD Vision Glasses - They claim, "Just like high definition TV is the ultimate in viewing clarity, HD Glasses make the world come alive in brilliant defined color like never before. Crystal clear image so vivid, you won't believe your eyes."

They back their claim by saying that the secret is the HD Glare blocking technology. All this time I just thought my eyes were ruined from sitting too close to the tv as a kid but really I just had to be watching out for glare!

It kills me that this was a legitimate thought in someone's head.

3. The Biffy - I'm really trying to think of a nice way to say to tell someone that they're doing their most intimate of things incorrectly in the bathroom. And then suggest to them that the only way to fix the problem is with a refreshing stream of cold toilet water to the crotch.

Here's the advertisement:

Oh they had me at "I love my Biffy." Guess what? I'd love something too if I was paid an exorbitant amount of money. I cringe at the thought of opening this present.

I asked some friends, "What's the worst holiday gift you've received?"

1. Gavin - Lottery tickets, which suck because you never win and even if you do, you feel obligated to share the prize with the person who bought them for you.
2. Craig Kessler - I used to get eight presents for the eight nights of Hanukah. But only 1-2 would be real gifts. One night my mom gave me a box of cookies. But they were the delicious butter cookie kind.
3. My Sister - One Christmas dad gave me a Russ Troll doll. It was about 15 years after they were cool.

What's the worst gift you've ever given or received?

Revue

2009-01-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

Finally 2008 is over and now it's 2009. I wanted to quickly look back at 2008 but instead of a long winded recap, I decided a "year in photographs" (with short blurbs) would be more entertaining. I managed to get lucky a few times with my camera and take some decent (unintentional) pictures.

Without further ado:

San Francisco at the Buena Vista -

After a touristy day of walking around San Francisco, the in-laws brought me to the Buena Vista. Back in 1952 the proprietors of this establishment recreated the famous Irish Coffee drink that was served in Shannon Airport in Ireland. It's really not that hard to combine coffee, whiskey, and sugar but it they do it with zest!

Laguna Beach: Joe and Katye's wedding -

My friend Joe got married in Laguna Beach over the summer at a beach house owned by the guy who invented the WhiteBoard! It was an incredible wedding and I learned that people don't wear ties at west coast wedding. I also found out that you can shut a wedding down early if/when the neighbors complain.

Havasupai, Arizona

I make an annual hiking trip to Arizona to visit my friend Chris. This past year we went to Havasupai in the Grand Canyon for a three day hike that covered about 25 miles. The hike the previous year destroyed me physically, so preparing and successfully completing this hike was a personal challenge.

Improv 1A

In the spring I took my first WIT Improv class with teacher Justin Purvis. The class was great and I recommend it to anyone in the DC, VA area. This was our group celebration picture after our showcase.

Palace of Wonders on H street.

After a three month hiatus, I started going to open mics again back in May. Nancy Drew and I found this sign off H Street near the Palace of Wonders on our way to a Live Humas in DC show. I like that it's a 'warning.' Good to know sign!

New York City

I was visiting my friend Brad in NYC for the weekend. After seeing the second to last show of Mother at UCB, we decided to meet up with some friends at a karaoke bar. This is a picture of our friend Camille who was so passionate about Madonna that she got up on coffee table in the middle of the room to rock out. The picture was taken about a minute before she kicked me in the face and bent my glasses.

Zzyzx: A town

This is a real town. No lie. Look it up. My friend Jason, his wife, Nancy Drew, and I drove across the Mojave desert on the way to the Laguna wedding. Side note - I took this picture hanging out of a car window as we sped past.

Idiotarod.

DC has a fun(d)raising event called the Idiotarod each year where contestants run around Dupont solving clues, some how raising money for local charities, and then finish at a bar. Each group picks a theme and dresses in character. Our theme? Zoolander. If you can't tell, I'm dressed as Mugatu. We won an award because I kept screaming "dance off" and getting other racers to dance.

This years winner:
The Rock that destroyed Chris's windshield

While beginning the hike in Havasupai, our group jokingly commented on the rocks that were near our vehicles at the trailhead. We thought we were safe because we parked on the other side of the road but on the second day of the hike, Chris received a note from the camping permit office saying that a rock had performed the following actions:
1) fell,
2) hit the ground,
3) dented the ground,
4) bounced,
5) onto his windshield.

This is the result -

I feel like this post should have been titled "Name-drop, place-drop, thing-drop."

Here's to a great 2009!

Fire

2008-12-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

A good of mine has started a blog called Raising Ladders. He's a new recruit at the DC Fire Department, currently attending the DCFD academy, and posts frequently. He keeps mentioning this "tower" that they have to run up and down in full gear and I just can't visualize it. Hopefully he'll have some pictures available soon. It's a good read. Go.

Tuesday was the last Live Humans in DC show for a while. The bearded organizer, socialite, and sing/guitarist Andy Rothwell is putting the show on hiatus for a couple months. Andy's a really great guy, supportive, and it's always a blast to perform at his shows. He even made me a CD of four of his songs which is on rotation in my car. Go to his myspace.com and listen to songs "The Humans part 2" and "Diana." Leave him a note and tell him he's one bad dude!

I should have called this post "Endorsements."

I passed out on the couch last night and missed going to Mad Hatter. I did managed to log some time in Gears of War 2 though. Not really a trade off but I'll take what I can get. I've managed to get up three times this week with a potential fourth open mic on Sunday night at the Palace of Wonders.

Come and check out the Palace of Wonders on Sunday night at 9pm. Tell your friends.

I'm getting ready to head to NYC this weekend for a 24 hour blitz that is chock full of fun. Nancy Drew is taking me to see Mike Birbiglia's Sleepwalk With Me. We're taking the Bolt Bus. Despite being cheap it's really only a good call if you're traveling with someone you know. It's still a Greyhound bus and there's still the potential of being sandwiched against a crazy-stranger. They try to make it enticing with free wifi, which is like putting a monocle on vomit. Classy but still gross.

I saw Birbiglia at the DC Improv a few months ago and it was a stellar show. He teased with a scene from Sleepwalk and it referenced the Incredible Hulk. I had a weird sleepwalk experience when I was younger. It's not as messed up as Adam Cozen's experience but it was still weird to wake up in the living room with a vacuum cleaner in hand.

Lately I've been having a secret love affair with puns and cliche lines. I'm going to try to package my wares and/or bottle a tonic.

Organ Trail

2008-12-11T15:44:00.001-05:00

I've had an idea for a video game for a little over a year. The idea came out of a conversation with my friend Dave regarding a Woot t-shirt that was on sale one day. Ever since then I've been casually writing down ideas for the game. I threw around some basic ideas with Alex last week and I was really happy with the outcome of that conversation. I wanted to get some ideas down and also begin getting feedback in order to incorporate suggestions and comments about the idea. If you hate it, tell me know so I can move onto other stuff.

The game -
The Oregon Trail + Zombies = Organ Trail.

Background -
Just think of it as Cormac McCarthy's novel THE ROAD meets a modern day biological zombie disaster with a dash of Apple IIe graphics. I'd like to adapt the same game model as Oregon Trail by having three classes much like the original farmer, carpenter, and banker but in a modern setting.

Being a huge fan of horror and zombies movies I wanted to pay homage to George A. Romero. The last bastion of hope, the strong-hold of civilization will be Pittsburgh, PA much like in Romero's "Land of the Dead." (I'm hoping to sneak in little bits of humor that a true zombie horror fan would notice and appreciate as well as macro-haha's for the casual player.)

Eastward Ho -
Your group would travel in the opposite direction of the original game. This time the journey would start in San Francisco, CA. I made the decision to go with San Fran. based on my idea for the three new character classes; hippie, college student, and young professional. Originally the idea was to start in either Washington state or Oregon but after visiting San Francisco and learning more about Haight-Ashbury, it just sort of made sense since all three of these social groups exist and are notable in this location.

Each character class gets their own car with both pros and cons related to gas consumption and the terrain. Both factors influence the amount of time you need to stop for supplies and fuel which increase your chances of getting attacked.

The hippie group would get a hybrid vehicle where they wouldn't have to stop for gas as much but you might an increased chance of having your tires blowout or a mechanic failure. The college kids get a sedan which would be the moderate choice to start with decent gas mileage and tire traction. The young professionals get a SUV. They'd have better tires but crappy gas mileage causing them to stop frequently. In order to do some game balancing the young professionals would receive a higher amount of money in order to purchase ammunition in preparation for these frequent stops.

Fight or Flight (amirite?) -
If you stop to get gas, rest, and/or have to fix your vehicle, you always run the risk of a zombie attack. I'm using the same paradigm as hunting in the original game, where you start in the middle of the screen with your gun ready. Zombies begin to pour in from the four corners of the screen and at that point you have to make a decision; fight or flight.

Fight - if you stay and kill all the zombies as they lumber towards you, you waste ammo but you get to search the surrounding area and dead bodies for equipment and supplies.

Flight - save ammo but you don't get to search and may (potentially) drop some of your supplies as you make your getaway. You take advantage of the flight option by running to the corner of the screen in order to end this scenario.

"What if a zombie touches my character during this scenario?" - Atif Myers. If this occurs then you're forced to make a difficult decision. One of your group members will randomly be selected as "bitten" and you'll have to make the choice to execute or leave them. (Possible points bonus based on your decision)

Conclusion -
This concept bridges my love of zombies and nostalgic computer gaming. Dave and I would like to continue dreaming up ideas for this and the big question is: would you play this game?

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