The reason I hate (some) advertisements - Op. 1 in F(u)#

One of the first books that I remember reading was John Bellairs's "The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt."  It was classified as a "gothic horror" story that's title served to foreshadow all of the main artifacts in the book.  The grandmother of the main protagonist, Johnny Dixon, becomes ill with a brain tumor and yet the dark undertones of this story never registered with me.  I related more with the sensitive side of Johnny and his desire to help his alleviate his families financial burden by receiving the prize money for solving the riddle of a dead and eccentric cereal tycoon.  A prize worth $10,000, which is exactly how much brain tumor removal costs.

I know, I know, it's an incredibly far fetched plot but that's what made it fun.  Investing in the characters of the book, enjoying their journey, figuring out the end, and yelling the solution to the riddle at the book as if Johnny might actually hear my childish bellows.  I imagined myself as a faithful observer and trusted friend to Johnny, within the pages of the book.  Five years ago, I re-read the book with a new appreciation and my imagination didn't disappointed me, although I pissed off my roommate when I screamed the solution to the riddle.

And then this bullshit comes along...      

It's a "personalized vampire romance novel....where you are the star."  Why not?  Vampires are gothic and dark, just like brain tumors.  The tag line is "your love is as immortal as he is."  Sure!  You are (totes) 14 and have a wealth of experience with love.  You're probably the foremost authority of the topic, especially love with a vampire.  A dead vampire that is super hot and sexy!  What an undead heart throb, except that his heart can't throb, or beat, or pitter-patter when you walk into the room because he's a corpse. 

Also, I hate the word immortal because it's often-confused-and-needs-to-be-bundled-with-the-word; invincible.  If you kill something that is immortal with a wooden stake, even a vampire, it is still dead.  That's how verbs work.

First Bite?  Instead of including my name in the book, how about allowing me to pick the title instead?  Something slightly more descriptive with a more moronic vampire cliche, such as "An effeminate and androgynous love story about the coupling of the living and the dead that SUCKS!"  Get it?  It works on two levels.  Insert a groan and an eye-roll here.

I feel like the audience for this book is the Twilight series, Jersey Shore, and MTVs Teen Mom demographic, "obvi!"  Are they really so desperate to be included in something, anything, that they need to be written into their very own vampire romance story?  (I refuse to use the word novel to reference garbage.) Whatever happened to using your imagination? 

Making fun of the copywriting and adverting is easy but it misses the real point.  The problem is the level of self obsession necessary to include yourself in a story.  I used to get really excited when I watched a movie or read a book and shared a name with a character.  In fact, I remember my friend Gavin getting pumped over the movie "Disturbing Behavior" because he shared the same first name with a main character.  "That never happens dude!" said Gavin.  Yes, Gavin, you have a rarely used Hollywood name.

The idea of including your name is a fun novelty. But that's it, it's not literature.  There is little to no imagination involved.  Being ego-centric might be sarcastically funny at first but it's off putting and being narcissistic is a terrible way to start a relationship.  But who am I kidding?  I'm not a 14 year old, and therefore not an authority of the "book of love."

Also - I think my friend Archie is the owner of TeenBookByYou.com?  At least, it wouldn't surprise me.

And yes, I wrote myself an email about this last March 5, 2010 because I was outraged at an advertisement.